Internal Issues

Have you caught Blithe Spirit? It's a comedy drama about a man who accidentally summons the ghost of his first wife, resulting in mayhem as the man, his second wife and the spirit all try to coexist.

And while I was much amused and entertained by the fantastic character portrayals and beautiful language, one underlying theme stood out quite starkly. That of... how it is your perspective / attitude (and not things like wedding vows) that determines how long you can stay together with a partner.

You see, [spoilers ahead!!] when the first wife returned, the husband was ecstatic. They revisited old memories, indulged in long conversations, and rediscovered tender sides to their personalities that had been stashed away.

Yet, within a few weeks, old problems once again reared their ugly mugs. The audience soon saw that their marraige really never was perfect, that it had its own serious flaws, and that there was no way they could have spent eternity together. And eventually, they decided to part again, despite all the good there was to them.

That was a very good illumination of the way people handle staying together, wouldn't you agree?

I'll try to explain. I think it's very very rare for two people to be perfect for each other their entire lives. There are a million other factors, like their stages in life, their needs at that moment, their circumstances. Thus, I always thought it was normal for people to break up and move on, for it is silly to expect life-time commitments all the time.

So, why then is marriage such a big deal? Why is it that at a certain stage, we say ok we will persevere no matter what happens, only upon death do we part?

My point is, I think marriage as a precursor to life-long commitment is an illusion. It is an excuse for people to believe that they have changed for the better, that with the exchange of vows, they will magically keep trying until they die. Marriage does not automatically make you able to commit for life.

Because, if the marriage (after weighing everything, of course, like kids and what not) is not worth it in the end, why should one remain trapped by vows that no longer hold the same meaning?

I’m not encouraging divorce. I’m saying that how one wants to deal with relationships, should come from within, and not from external social obligations like marriage.

I’m saying that at the end of the day, it boils down to what kind of person you are.
If you’re the wanderer sort, who enjoys meaningful relationships but refuse to be tied down for life, no marriage vow will ever chain you. If you’re the other sort, the kind who refuses to leave as long as (in totality) the relationship is worth it, you’ll also hardly need vows to stay together for life.

The couple in Blithe Spirit… they never dealt with surfacing problems, merely sweeping them under. There was no give-and-take. They clearly wanted to pursue their own agendas. It was that which drove them apart eventually.

To end this on a positive note, it is entirely possible for some relationships to last a lifetime. When the external factors are right, and you are ready to commit, you will naturally become the sort of person who is able to last with another to the finish line.

And you wouldn’t even have to have an official marriage to do that.