Ask Me And I'll Tell You

I always get this sinking feeling when people ask my opinion on something personal. Questions like "Does this dress look pretty on me?" or "Is the dish I prepared tasty?" or "How do you like this poem I wrote?"

The dread doesn't come from the thought of having to lie (which I don’t) or from the effort of commenting on things I don’t usually notice. The dread comes from the inevitable response I get from them after I comment.

“Stop lying la! Can you please not be so PR / PC / polite and just tell me what you really think?”

You see, it’s not that I’m afraid of stepping on people’s toes. I know too that by the comments I give, people eventually end up not trusting me instinctively, seeing me as someone who is always guarded and careful.

But it’s a matter of principle, and ironically, it’s only because I’m trying to be truthful! I don’t want to give a flippant answer, I want to put effort into my reply and try my best to be constructive! Using an example to illustrate, compare the two questions below:

Q1: Does this dress look pretty?

Q2: When I wear this dress, do you like the overall look I’m sporting, just yes or no.

For Q2, it’s simple enough. The person is looking for just a yes / no answer, and that’s all I need to say. If I like it 51%, I would say yes, no qualifications needed.

But, for Q1, it’s not that simple. Sure, I could say yes / no for the dress, but I’m thinking a few steps further. I’ve got to imagine the dress on you, then I’ve got to think of the occasion that you’re dressing up for, or maybe how your hair is worn that day. It’s a question that has to be answered in context, right?

Therefore, I reply, “The dress is not very colourful, and the cutting’s a bit old-fashioned, but I think you will be able to carry it off, especially when you wear it to work. Yes, it’ll suit you quite well!” Alas, that’s exactly when I get accused of being too PC.

You’ve got to understand, I’m not out to curry favour or lie to you. But I want to answer in a way that is useful, that is constructive. Would it make sense to tell you right before your birthday party that I personally think your dress looks old-fashioned, when objectively its fine? Is it fair for my single perspective to plant that vile seed of doubt and unrest in your mind?

Maybe the origins of my attitude lie in the way I see the world. I can’t live in a world of black and white. Things are shaded all the way through, and that’s the reality of living amongst other people. The best one can do is to have strong principles on how to handle every situation, and then simply strike out from there. You then assess the circumstances that you're in, and you respond appropriately.

Now, what if my opinion was sought not on something material, something superficial, but about… another person?

Tricky tricky! But again, for me it’s quite clear cut. There are people I like, there are those I don’t. How then, am I to react towards those people I don’t like? On one hand I have my principles of being constructive, of not being mean-spirited, but on the other I also have my conscience to contend with, for I can’t possibly pretend to like people when I really don’t.

I like to do this: for the people I like, I give them my all. I always try to amuse them, listen to them, advise them whenever I can. I look out for them, remember the little things that matter to them, and generally try to make them feel appreciated.

For the people I don’t like, however, I try to live with them. You can call it considered toleration. If I don’t like them for a particular aspect, but they interact with me in a civil way in an unrelated issue, I am civil.

For example, say this acquaintance of mine is an incorrigible playboy. I know he leaps from girl to girl, taking and never giving, breaking hearts left and right. I don’t approve of that. But if he were to ask me which movie playing in town would I recommend to him, I can’t possibly tell him to buzz off, can I?

And if I don’t like them in totality, if all that they stand for is against my principles, I simply will avoid them. If we pass each other in the corridors I might tip my hat in their direction out of respect for the positive qualities they possess, out of civility, but I will never share my thoughts, my feelings, my life, with them.

I’m not out to be popular. I’m also not out to strain my relations with a society I have to live with at the end of the day. What I do want to do, is always to be as constructive as I can, and to bother to think one step further for friends and family.

And I think I can live with that.

To end off this post, and to acknowledge my recent spate of reflective posts, I shall do something unusual. For the next few days, depending on demand, you can leave a request on my tagboard for a SUPER FRANK appraisal of what I think of you. Yes, in case you’re dying to know how I perceive you after all this time, and you dare to read a no-holds-barred post on what I think of you, just tag me and write something unique to our relationship so that I know it’s you and not an impersonator.

I’ll then devote a whole post to explaining how I see you, in my mind’s eye. Haha, I may end up regretting this, but I’m tired of people not believing me.