All Things Happen For A Reason

About six years ago, I fell in love, for the first time. About four years ago, I broke up, for the first time.

I remember being very bitter about it then. There was much that I didn’t understand, and the pervasive feeling of helplessness that engulfed me threatened to cast a permanent nightfall on my days.

But time heals all wounds, and as I matured I understood the difficulties that she faced too. And the day that I came to terms with it all, I penned a letter to her. I kept the draft.

Why, you would ask, am I bringing this up only now, after a space of so many years? It is only because many times over the last four years I have had occasion to reread the tattered draft, and now is a time when the Hanting of years ago speaks most directly to me.

The letter is as follows.

Dear S___,

I must admit, it was not easy when you left. There was hardly a moment of rest for my weary mind, as I kept turning the events of the last few weeks around. Oh, how I longed for blissful dreamless sleep then!

But here’s the amazing part. One day, just on an ordinary, common, totally unusual day, it suddenly lifted! The cloud which hung over me dissipated completely, and I suddenly found myself in your shoes, looking out through your eyes, understanding how things must have gone on your side.

I suddenly felt… free.

I see it now. There are some things that are really out of our hands, some things we can’t change by force. Our feelings for each other, for example. When you told me you no longer felt the same about us, I struggled so hard, thinking that by dint of effort we could somehow start afresh.

You must understand, I was aghast at the idea of losing you. You meant so very much. And I thought too that I couldn’t simply sit on the side and watch you make up your mind to leave. If it meant something to me, shouldn’t I do something about it, shouldn’t I exhaust all my options before giving up the fight? I refused to give up until I had seen for myself with my own eyes that it was impossible.

But, as I can understand now, people’s needs change with time. We just weren’t right for each other then, and no amount of long-distance calls could have changed that. Love should come easy, and there was no way I could live with forcing you to love me too.

What does all this say about certainties in life? If this relationship of ours, this rock I had confidently held onto, could slip away in the raging oceans in the twinkle of an eye, what did it mean for life at large? I grappled with this question long and hard, and my conclusion is that… we really can’t do much.

Who can say what happens next? I recall the saying that the only two things certain in life are death and taxes. And that’s right, you know. But since our break up I’ve learnt that uncertainty doesn’t mean I should hole myself up in an attempt to insulate myself.

For me now, uncertainty only means that I’ve got to really treasure every happy moment that I can squeeze out of life. That I cannot take things for granted. That every friendship, relationship, has to be fully, fully appreciated.

The romantic in me likes to think that with sufficient time, we will be friends again, maybe even more. But let that come when it comes. For now, I want you to know that I support you fully in your decision to leave me, strange as it sounds.

You were brave to open your eyes to what we truly were, and not simply settle for an unconsidered relationship. You were strong to choose the path that would ultimately lead to the most happiness for us, rather than simply taking the easy way out.

I will cherish the memories we had together, painful as they might be. For they have forged us into the people we are.