Baby Steps

As a rule I never repost things I've posted before. But again, now when the exams are looming and my creative juices have dried up, allow me to bend the rules and stick up an old poem I wrote once for a friend.

Oh Father in heaven hear my prayer
For without your guidance I am doomed to failure
Grant me strength to see me through
All present storms and those that ensue
In this urgent time of need
Please, my little prayer you must heed

Blind my eyes to all bad memories
I won't be complete but I won't miss the cavities
I refuse the baggage, the weight
I'd rather grow slower than stagnate
For what use are ghosts of the past
When even the good memories don't last?

Remove my sensitivity!
It's more a curse than a necessity
Consideration for others holds me back
It's strength I desire, hardness I lack
No longer can I suffer for others' sake
From this self-inflicted sadness I must awake

But...

But most of all, for my relief
Please restore my belief
Make me see that people are worth trusting
Make me see that love is worth giving
Even if I may be hurt again
Give me faith that will not wane

Cow From Hell

A quick post, to expunge this potent sickness that poisons me from within.

My household ran out of Milo this morning. No more tins of the brown gold, no more emergency quick-mix packets, no more ready-prepared packet drinks.

I am a creature of habit, and Milo is my morning sugar-rush that helps me avoid a nasty, messy death on the highway to school. When I learnt that there was no more Milo, I immediately soured, became grouchy, and lost my composure.

In my distressed state, I hastily agreed to the ‘next best thing’, X-Brand powdered milk. In retrospect, I would rather have slurped down raw eggs with roach eggs. That powdered milk… was… simply amazing.

In a very, very bad sense.

The following poem is meant to reflect the first 20 seconds of excruciating pain I experienced after taking a sip of the powdered milk.

Oh Lord in Heaven, thou hast forsaken me
With this powdered, disguised monstrosity
It lulls your senses and tricks your nose
It knocks your judgment out comatose
You believe it to smell faintly sweet and inviting
When in truth all that it’s concealing
Is an inexcusable ratty stew of milk
No more potent a poison you’ll find of this ilk

It stings! It scalds! It even bites!
As it flows down, my gag reflex I immediately fight
It burns! It throttles! It’s like spoilt sauce!
My eyes by now must have certainly crossed
I think of the animal from whence this came
Surely that’s where I’ll place most of the blame
For surely no hand of man can distill
A morning drink as this without the intention to kill

Yes, yes, that’s it, that’s the answer -
A diseased cow racked with cancer
Skin all peeling with multiple sores
Run over by a tractor the night before
Udders turning a light shade of green
That any reasonable man could have seen
Yet refusing to give up this tenacious grip on life
Before yielding one more bucket of milk to the farmer’s wife

What plagues me is what I must do now
Now that it’s in me, this discharge from a dying cow
To break down and hug my parents a final time?
To bear it stoically and overlook this gastronomic crime?
If I had an option to bury the milk I really would
But my parents have brought me up to never waste food
Therefore the thing that’s crushed my spirit and left me bereft
Is that there’s three quarters of the bloody cup left

I finished it all, like a man. Who would die. Within the next few hours. Whilst screaming for mercy.

On the way back from school that day, I stopped by the local grocery store and bought two big tins of Milo, as well as 60 packets of instant-mix. The lady cashier noted that no one had bought so much Milo at one shot before.

Lady. They ain’t tried X-Brand milk before.

Samantha

Do you remember, back then
How you so gently took me in hand?
When those who could understand were so few
When loneliness was the only friend I knew
My guilt and pain you washed away
You remoulded my spirit like a potter does clay
... you breathed meaning into my life.

I am thankful for those precious moments
So much more than my sins did warrant
You gave a caged sparrow a chance at flight
But though free by day, I was trapped by night
This cancer in me you could alleviate but never resolve
For eventually giving up, all blame is absolved
... you were right to leave to love more truly.

So here I am at this junction once again
Mercy to winds of change and limitless pain
I only pray that this little life in me will forgive
A weary girl with an evaporating will to live
You will understand I have no choice won't you?
My one chance to reset a life gone askew
... you...

... you were a brief dream in this violent nightmare of a life.

Samantha Seow, a fictional girl of 21 in a class assignment handed out almost six months ago, has woven her way into the deepest corners of our lives. If she had more time than she did, I would have liked to think that this is the farewell note she would have written.

Although we've never seen a picture of her, in my mind she's forever tanned with long dark hair, emaciated, dishevelled, skittish and with two-inch red perforated cuts on her wrists.

I do not deny that Life often throws up seemingly insurmountable challenges. But you know as well as I do, that all you need to do is reach out, and you will find someone leading the way.

There's a solution to every problem.

Night

In the inky blackness of the night
You clasp your hands and silently pray
That the vice around your heart so tight
Would quickly unravel and fade away

That somehow things could rewind
That life had an undo function of sorts
That amidst this mess you could somehow find
The ending which you orginally sought

In the enveloping blackness of the night
You wonder if you could have made things better
If you'll ever know whether you were right
Or if anything really mattered

A thousand things you wish to say
The words almost bursting from inside
But you can't, you mustn't, no it wouldn't pay
And again you stem this torrential tide

In the endless blackness of the night
You make up your mind once more
To grieve, but to grieve only until daylight
For burdens of the heart are such wearisome chores

In the soothing blackness of the night...

Hush

Why cry, my long-time friend
Those tear-drops of misty sorrow
There is no hurt too deep to mend
No shoulder too unwelcoming to borrow
So sprinkle away like grains of sand
Your pent up sadness, and joy will surely follow

No wait, humour me and let me guess
The nature of the woe plaguing you
From what I see it's easy to assess
It's an affliction that hounds not one but two
That the one whose composure is likewise dispossessed
Is none other than your beau

How did I know? Why don't be silly
Few things would affect all people this way
That would make one abandon hope so freely
Or cast a gloom over the brightest day
If before you doubted how heartache could hurt so dearly
Well now I'm sure you have nothing to say

... Oh I see, so that's why you're so distraught
But be strong now you silly thing
His going away to study is no one's fault
It's only patience you'll be needing
Plus he'll return even faster than you thought
You'll be surprised at how time had passed a-flying

I know, it might be hard for you to believe
But truly you're among the fortunate few
Though your heart aches now with no reprieve
It surely means your love is true
For wouldn't it be worse if when he had to leave
No longing or pain on your part was due?

You're lucky, really I do think so -
How many have yet to find the love they long for
Though the sadness and longing that you now know
May conspire to drive you up the wall
But take strength in knowing that all your woes
Are petty next to all that your love with him stands for

So hush now.

Hiding

When things go blue, out of the blue
When troubles are so numerous they have to queue
You pause and you stop and you contemplate
And you're sure that if things went on at this rate
You'll simply burst

Who can blame you then for wanting to retreat
To keep from dealing with more defeats
No more misunderstandings no more losses
No more struggling against unseen forces
Lifting of a curse

I only doubt how far one can possibly run
Away from the fact that damage is still being done
So is standing one's ground the right thing?
To find a solution whilst persevering?
Not easy at all

In either case one needs much strength within
To bear it all and continue to grin
Whilst searching for a solution to set oneself free
... I just hope it wouldn't be
A demand too tall

Poems

I admit that in this wide world of ours
More forms of art abound than
My collection of U2 shirts

Yet one thing escapes me
And that is the way some poems are
Written, formed, divined, printed

The ones that strain your
Eyes
To read

By amalgamating, blending, coalescing
Word from some huge Thesaurus
Enmeshed together by painful analogies and Uhu Glue

The ones with quirky
Wording and sentence structure
And grammar fit to stupefy any language teacher

Perhaps it is just
Myself, me and I
The only one who think such poems obtuse and abstract

Thank god then

GEP 2: Myths

In defence of all GEPs I pen these words
Lest insults directed at us grow more absurd
For many are too quick to stereotype and judge
Without first empathizing with us much
So to promote understanding and dissolve enmity
You'll have to read the rest with a mind quite free

The First Myth is that all GEPs are smart
With an unequal balance of head and heart
But that's simply not true - just look around
You'll find many a GEP who's also a clown
Though undeniable that some GEPs are brilliant
Oh, the masses of non-GEPs who're just as radiant

The Second Myth is that all GEPs are snobbishly proud
Of their talents and have their noses up in the clouds
Yet we're just as aware of our own shortcomings
And know there's not much to be openly trumpeting
In fact it's hard to find a GEP openly boasting
(Or at least one who isn't also already dead or roasting)

The Third Myth is that all GEPs are weird
Almost like we're raving lunatics to be feared
Oh come on, eccentricities are found in everyone
So if you spot a GEP please don't run
We're nice and fun and sexy too
In effect we're hardly any different from you

The Fourth Myth is that all GEPs are beautiful
Graceful creatures with blemishes too few
In truth good looks bless only the favoured one or two
And just to reaffirm what you already knew
When it comes to looking good there's only me
And yes, sometimes at the top it really does get lonely

There's probably a lot more that I could explain
But nothing beats you just taking the pain
To open your mind and question steoreotypes
You'll find little substance in all the GEP hype
It might sound condescending but I'll even venture to say
Go out and adopt a GEP friend today

Things Happen

A kite I tried to fly didn't fly well today
Exactly what went wrong I couldn't say
It's not like I've never flown a kite before
Though I admit I need to practise more
I wonder how long it would be
Before my kite flies high and free

When I tried to get it off the ground
It refused to go anywhere but down
I tugged and pulled with all my might
Yet nothing could lift my little kite...
... finally I gave in to my own frustration
And paid the kite no further attention

Lo and behold! a sudden wind came
A fearsome wind, hardly tame
That lifted my kite up so high
That no one could hope to catch it, not even I
And the string just slipped out of my hands
Oh where would my pretty kite land?

How you tease me sometimes my little kite
With your unpredictable little flights
Refusing to budge every time I tried
And escaping the moment I set you aside!
Fly then, if you must, fly high fly free
Just remember to come back to me

Dilemma

I was seized by a sadness today
A raging emotion I couldn't magic away
Oh how it coloured my every thought
Every self-cheering attempt reduced to nought
How much longer will this last I cannot say

I am sure I have been here before
In this dank room with four white walls
A prison construct I helped create
From my own shortcomings did it originate
A perfect prison without a single flaw

This path I'm treading, so familiar
It's definitely not the first time I've been here
How ever did I wind up here again
When escaping last time caused so much pain
How much does it take for this problem to disappear?

In a way I already recognize the solution
A way out from all this painful confusion
And that is to change myself, and the values I prize
A decision I doubt is entirely wise
Little wonder I am wrought with indecision

My deepest fear is that I might really be wrong
That my ideals in this case are but worth a song
Wishing and dreaming for things that can never be
Refusing to accept current harsh reality
Nothing but a wet-eared youth all along

One day I hope it all becomes clear
Whether I should now give up or persevere
And till that far-off moment of enlightenment arrives
May the better parts of me still survive
This personal dilemma so very dire

Every Joy Not Cherished...

Come now, dab those tears away
Put those gloomy thoughts aside
With an open mind hear what I have to say
It's only assistance I'm trying to provide

Life can suck pretty much sometimes
Some even say it's a mother dog
Unpleasantly sour like an unripe lime
Unbearably torturous as an after-meal jog

No doubt the odds against you are stacked real high
And most things seem quite unfair
No certainties upon which to rely
It's no surprise there's no end of grievances to air

But here's the all-important bit
The part that can set you aside from the rest
Though fully appreciating it is tough, I admit
Once you do Life's problems will cease to be a mess

It's simply recognizing that your attitude
Belongs to you and you alone
And since to you it's in servitude
You can change its quality, character and tone

Learn to cherish the good things that happen
For every joy not cherished is a joy lost
And in a world already sorrow overladen
Could you afford to bear this cost?

Don't lose hope and you can't go wrong
Keep on fighting for what's important to you
Wallowing in self-pity's fine but don't wallow too long
Especially when there's so much to do!

Remember that Life's not a journey
Meant to be completed alone in a day
There's friends, family, a trainee-attorney
Who'll be there every step of the way

Green Men Flashing: A Poem

I was crossing this junction the other day
Crossing, of course, the prescribed safe way
When I noticed I had some company
In the form of an elderly granny
Who didn't walk as much as lumbered
On account of the fact that she was quite encumbered

She had all manner of electronic gadgets strapped to her back
Probably an IPod the only thing she seemed to lack
With LCD screens, keypads and little radars
Black cables, Bluetooth logos, even an antenna
To me she had long since crossed from being a techno-geek
Into the wild uncharted territory of a techno-freak

And I thought, 'How strange is that?
Would she have the time for a little chat?'
So I sidled up to her and spoke most calmly,
'Dear granny don't you find your getup an anomaly?
Are you really a granny concealing a big surprise,
Or a wealthy teen in elderly disguise?'

She smiled at me, with a twinkle in her eyes
'No, no, there's hardly any surprise'
And she smoothly produced a card from a hidden compartment
Which officially said she was from the Traffic Department
An important arm of the LTA
But nothing else did the little card say

Now a little light had been shed yet the mystery remained
And by that card my curiousity sparked rather than waned
Could it be that there was a purpose to her actions
Important enough to merit the LTA's sanction?
If so whatever could her mission be
To walk across a junction equipped like a Christmas tree?

Oh, the look of befuddlement that I wore
Prodded her on to explain some more
'If you needed a way to estimate how long it'll take
(And your estimate could be anything but vague)
For the average man to make it across a road comfortably
Wouldn't using little old ladies in trials occur immdiately?

'For while most people would run or even dash
Little old ladies are anything but rash
We'll take our time and only cross when we can
And since we take longer than the average man
The time I take affects when the Green Man starts flashing
Thus saving the engineers at HQ a lot of guessing'

I then pointed to the equipment she took pains to carry
Asking if if all that was really necessary
She shrugged and said it was a waste of money
A simple stopwatch was better than all the baloney
But ever since her bosses said it was image-maintaining
She had borne her load and stopped complaining

And with that she continued on her way
But not, of course, without some delay
For my questions and her loquacious attitude
Resulted in a delay of a certain magnitude
And to this day at that junction
The Flashing Man takes longer than his brothers to function

Quick, someone! Give me something better to do with my time!

Little Alice: A Poem

I wrote this during a meeting which bored me to tears. It's strange how I managed to find an little personal oasis in my head while a hundred idiots chattered around me.

Little Alice was a natural whiner
There was no skill at which she was finer
Her demands were few and far between
But the tantrums she threw were really mean
Her parents gave in most of the time
Often parting ways with many a dime
For her taste for things was sometimes exotic
Sometimes refined and sometimes bimbotic

She had a bikini made from Chinese silk
Would drink nothing at breakfast but pineapple milk
Had sneakers with wheels which glowed at night
Barbie dolls all dressed up in tights
A little submarine which could really float
Models of castles complete with moats
Even a vintage guitar she couldn't play
(Plus a lifetime account with that website Ebay)

But still her parents' hearts filled with dread
And they feared they would go quite mad
Whenever Alice came with that look in her eyes
Which they had long since learnt to recognize
As the start of a new demand, a new request
And again their love for her would be put to the test
"No!" said her father before she could even speak
"I won't give in, and I won't be weak!"

And so Alice pouted and Alice whined
Alice cried till she almost went blind
Yet just as her father nearly gave in again
A plan so evil, so diabolically insane
Bloomed in his mind like a plant on drugs
A plan so simple and free of bugs
For this time it was a pup that Alice demanded
And her dad knew just the dog that couldn't be refunded

Unknown to all her dad was really a warlock
Certainly not the kind you'll laugh at or mock
Because he was powerful, really quite strong
Just a softie at heart, nothing so wrong
And with a swish of his wand he opened a door
A portal from Hell to Singapore
Out stepped a dog drenched in darkness so black
The kind even Osama wouldn't attack

And the hound even gave Alice a reasonable chance
Until Alice asked, "Can this dog dance?"
"And why is it black, wouldn't a brown dog be nice?
This one won't do, this one won't suffice."
Although the hound's anger the parents couldn't dissolve
At least one problem was finally resolved
Of Alice's demands they were no longer afraid
Because the Hell Hound had bit off her head

I've always been inspired by Roald Dahl. =)

The Final 16th

This wonderful journey that we've been on
You begun so long ago
Has bequeathed me with memories so fond
Of which I loathe to forego

Yet today I feel it must all end
The way I keep you alive inside
For only then will I truly mend
With no more feelings to hide

For it takes to much to continue
Loving you the way I did
And since this love is no longer true
The advice of my friends I'll heed

No more poems every 30 days
No more heartaches on hearing that song
No more in dreams do I see your face
No more for us I long

No more short prayers to find you well
No more surprises to find and wrap
No more on alternate paths to always dwell
No more maybes no more perhaps

I trust in him to treat you right
To elicit the smiles from you
To protect to honour to delight
To give you what you're due

With this last stanza I relinquish all
And end the epilogue of our story
For all the times I've failed before
Let me say, I'm truly sorry

16th....

If I do not do anything
You will leave soon, once more
Do you not bother or are you just waiting
Enduring this cold, cold war?

Whatever would make you assume
I wouldn't want to see or talk to you?
Or would I be wrong to presume
That the things you have to say to me are simply too few?

The cruellest part of it all
Is that I am probably the only one remaining
The only one who can still recall
All the memories worth treasuring

I feel that if I was to completely let go
And forget all that we had
The world will never be able to know
The special past we shared

And how can I let that happen?
To let our history just melt away?
To say the least I am reluctant
Thus with me a bit of us will always stay

Foolish or stubborn? Foolish and stubborn?
You can say what you want of me
Who knows, maybe yet one day I'll learn
That it's much better to be free

16th Again? So Fast?

If the previous 16ths were imbued with longing
Sadness, regret and sorrow
Let this one be absent of any frowning
And adopt a perspective much less narrow

Though I might not be there
Of your experiences I no longer share
Know that in some strange way I still care
To forget you entirely I wouldn't dare

So fare you well, fare you well
I'm but a call or a note away
I'm glad you're happy, as far as I can tell
Till another day then, another day

Yet Another 16th Poem

It's not easy, this reconditioning
Especially with a heart that's meandering
To force myself to live life anew
Old habits I now have to eschew

It's almost like the old me of past
Is embarking on an emotional fast
With the new me always around to say
'You now have to live life this way'

'How can I,' the old me rages
'See your emails on my webpages
And forget that when once I would be delirious
Now I must act completly oblivious?'

'Hear your voice once in a while
And be aside with joy like a blameless child
And yet have to contend with idiot acting
That it's hardly even affecting?'

'To see your pictures, your face, your smile
And feel the emotions stack and pile
Only to calmly shrug it off
And be the exact opposite of soft?'

'Knowing that when we do meet again
I'll have no choice but to refrain
From receiving you like a long-missed half
And instead walk away on a separate path'

'Perhaps again our minds would meet
But until that day so bittersweet
A hidden part of me will yearn
For the old you, too, to return

To You....

I thought I heard you wrong, but haha, I was just slow. There are things in life we're bounded to, like protocol and all, so below's all I've got to say to you at this point... one day, perhaps, I can actually talk to you face to face about this. =)

In many ways you mirror the moon
Late to arrive yet gone so soon
Emplaced in the night sky so high above
Too near to miss too far to love

Even if one day I could bridge the distance
I'll have neither fortune nor circumstance
For at best you'll find the time unripe, and at worst
A Neil Armstrong will have gotten there first

And so I wish you two all the best
Make it last, pass all the tests
Add clouds, stars and a little shine
This kind of opportunity's hard to find

Meow...

Third 16th Poem

Where are you now, my love
Long flown away on wings of silver hue
In search of your elusive treasure trove
Have you found what's due to you?

What are you doing now, my dear
To tell you the truth, I haven't a clue
If I spent five minutes talking to a complete stranger
I'll still know him better than I know you

What are you thinking now, my friend
Half a world away, but worlds apart in thought
Could we foresee this when we first began?
Guess it meant nothing, all the battles we've fought

When will you fully return, my acquaintance
Will there be anything to recognize you by?
Will there be proof of our past co-existance?
And if I said there was, would it be a lie?

At least you will always remain a mystery
A riddle to tease my gasping mind
How ever did we both change so completely?
Though I doubt the answer I'll ever find

Man, I so need it to rain now.

To MKL : All I Have To Give You Is This..

Hey you... I'm worried about you. You're really sliding quite fast, and I hate to see that happening to you. I know it's difficult to understand your exact position, and it's not easy for you to share it with people when you think it will not help, but you've got to recognize that you can indeed help yourself!

It's true, if you wanted to reduce this world to its bare elements you would probably find people to be selfish and individualistic, and that there's hardly any meaning in remaining chaste in thought and selfless in action. But remember that all it takes is for a group of people, believing in the same ideals, the same caring world, to come together to create a haven of their own, amidst a world too finely balanced between the desire to survive and the desire to assist!

I wrote the following for myself a while back when I was having colonel (ie. more serious than major) problems of my own, and it was very easy for me to make the whole poem extremely cynical, hopeless and dismal. But I didn't, and I would like to think that the little allowance I made for myself to recover and become nice and idealistic again made a difference!

I'll like to dedicate this poem to you, KL, though I think you might have read it before. You can go ahead and retreat into yourself, just remember that when you finally recover, we'll be waiting on the outside ya?

Oh Father in heaven hear my prayer
For without your guidance I am doomed to failure
Grant me strength to see me through
All present storms and those that ensue
In this urgent time of need
Please, my little prayer you must heed

Blind my eyes to all bad memories
I won't be complete but I won't miss the cavities
I refuse the baggage, the weight
I'd rather grow slower than stagnate
For what use are ghosts of the past
When even the good memories don't last?

Remove my sensitivity!
It's more a curse than a necessity
Consideration for others holds me back
It's strength I desire, hardness I lack
No longer can I suffer for others' sake
From this self-inflicted sadness I must awake

Will you suppress my conscience?
It's a hindrance, in this world without lenience
I simply cannot move as fast as my peers
Who climb so fast without any fears
To look forward thinking only of me
The horizon's further than I can see

But...

But most of all, for my relief
Please restore my belief
Make me see that people are worth trusting
Make me see that love is worth giving
Even if I may be hurt again
Give me faith that will not wane

Amen

Be strong, but in the process don't become hard. =)