Sunshine From The Past 7: I Could Stay Awake, Just To...

One by one, everyone fell asleep. The television blared on, characters on screen quietly going through their pre-set actions and dialogue. Soon, I was the only one left awake, the single consciouness in a hall of 6 other sleeping friends.

She was lying next to me on the sofa, eyes closed, at peace. Fatigue from the day's events had already robbed me of most of my will to stay awake, but somehow I knew this chance would never come again. Somehow.

And so I watched her sleep. I held her hand, registering every little movement she made in her sleep. I was lulled by her rhythmic breathing pattern, placated by the calm expression she bore, comforted by her reassuring presence.

Sitting there in that cramped sofa, toes a light shade of blue from lack of circulation, I found for myself time to recall all the beautiful moments we shared, appreciate all the little things providence bestowed. At that moment, there was only her, and there was only me.

I wanted that moment to last, I really did. To feel so inextricably intertwined, to feel that everything was worth it, to know that it was real for me.

But time waits for none, and four hours later, daybreak broke the spell.

It is a pity that I should be the only one to bear witness to one of the most meaningful memories we shared.

Farewell

I hope one day I'll find the words to explain things to you. Until then, I thank you for all the love and concern you've had for me, till the very end.

Sometimes things just click and happen. Sometimes, they don't. In any case, chapters close and open all the time.

As you said, 5 years ago we were but strangers... we'll be friends 5 years from now, won't we?

Forgive

Emotions overwhelm me. I try to press on, to distract myself, but it's not easy.

I've just spoken words I'd never thought I'll hear myself say. Sometimes, at night, when it's so quiet you can practically hear yourself think, I've thought this all through a thousand times, always to the same conclusion.

Yet, barely a few hours later, you're awash again in a sea of doubt and indecision.

I've said it, and although I thought for a while I could just bounce about, sing a frog song or two and take it all back, I guess I can't.

I wish I were older and wiser, stronger, with more spirit and resolve. I wish I had done everything differently, and not have to look back and regret all the stupid things I did, or omitted to do. If there's anything I am clear about, it's the certainty, in my heart of hearts, that I'm the one to blame.

I'm so very sorry.