Walk Of Contemplation

It's a long walk from the main gate of my camp to my bunk. I estimate it to be roughly 500m in the day (when I'm fresh) and about 21km at night (when I'm crawling back from home). Everybody hates the long walk in. "Let me give you a ride in/out" in my camp is a phrase that's as warmly received as "I'm 21, pretty and rich, please have my children" outside of it.

Strangely enough, I've come to appreciate it. My days are so tightly sequenced with an array of high-adrenalin crisis situations, that there's hardly an hour gone by without the little twanging sound of my heart fibres snapping under the strain. The walk has become a peculiar blessing.

Espcially at night when I book in just before midnight. When it's all velvety dark and the calmness envelopes you, every step of the 21km journey saps your body but renews your spirit. You get a little space, a little chance to just think.  

In particular, I like to reflect upon the day that has just lapsed, rewinding and replaying my favourite snippets. A phone call from a dear friend, or an unexpected message of comfort, or unsolicited attention from a pretty salesgirl (Sir, wow, could I interest you in....). I also dwell passingly in the unwholesome portions of the day, indulging myself in the occasional smatter of self-pity. An undeserved reprimand, or a lesson not well-executed, or unsolicited attention form a pretty salesgirl (... this facial wash? You look like you need it!)

Best of all, this walk somehow seems to replenish my limited store of inspiration. Like a timely refill, I find myself armed with the ink to coalesce random thoughts into blog entries, or new goals and dreams, or just quirky thoughts that remind me my appointment with the MO is due.

You're right, Luk, I've found my silver lining for today. =) 

 

Tried & Tested (Prove Me Wrong) 2

Aha, this came to me during the middle of training, when someone called me by mistake!

Unknown Female: Hello?
Hanting: Yes?
Unknown Female: Yes, I'm looking for Joy?
Hanting: I'm sorry, I don't think I can give it to you.
Unknown Female: Err, wrong number, sorry.

Say what you like, I think I wouldn't have wanted to just say, "Sorry, wrong number."

"Sir Yes Sir"

I really do hate saying it.

My OC first taught it to me, just a while back. We were going to discuss a thorny issue with a Captain (both my OC and I are lower ranking) and he told me, no matter how much rubbish this Captain was going to spout, just say the three magic words.

My indignance got the better of good advice. There was this point when my ears were overflowing with the completely illogical sewerage flowing down to us in the one-way conversation when I just had to speak out. I ignored the glares from my OC, and went out to point out the fallacies and loopholes present in the instructions we were receiving.

This is not a fairy tale, nor a Hollywood movie. This is a blog. There is no happy ending to this tale. I got screwed first by this Captain, then my OC, for not saying the three magic words.

It happened again during driving just just now. It was a two lane road, and as I overtook this taxi that had stopped on the side, my instructor asked if I had checked for blindspots on the right, in case another car wanted to overtake me.

I pondered how a bunny fluff-head like him ever got to where he was. Yes, I know he was trying to impart the invaluable lesson of road safety, but just five minutes ago he had told me, "always assess the road situation for yourself and make the right decision". Right. So as I continued thinking murderous thoughts, my mouth went on auto and pointed out, very nicely, that he was making as much sense as boiled cabbage.

Again, this is a blog.

But I was tired. It had been a particularly trying period (though I'm male) and I couldn't seem to summon the same Champions of Truth and Justice from their hideout within. And thus when he reprimanded me again, I compromised all that I felt was right for a spineless, subservient and meek

"Sir yes sir".

The Season's Changing....

Today confirmed the onset of a new season: yet another dear friend has left Singapore to return to studies.

I remember just a few months back when people started coming back to Singapore for the holidays, and how it was such wonderful feeling to rediscover old friendships and deepen the bonds. There seemed to be so much time for everything, and you could just meet up whenever you were free, without worrying about when an opportunity not seized was really a loss.

But friends are beginning to leave again. The friends who are staying, are recommitting themselves to their books and futures. For an army guy who has stepped out of the eddies of time, flux and change for a while now, it's scary to see how everyone is moving on so fast.

Take care now, people.

PDA

Power 98 was talking about PDA the other day. Nope, not the electronic kind.

And one suggestion that garnered the most support from listeners, was that couples should refrain from affectionate overtures when they are out with a group of friends. Trust me, you'll want to be agreeing with this too, especially after you've been subjected to such an experience as I have had.

We were out you see, a bunch of army friends headed for lunch. I sat in the back, while my friend drove, with his girlfriend on his left. Things went on quite fine at first, all engaging in normal conversation and all, until she placed her hand on his while he was changing gears.

Things, well, geared up from there.

As general conversation slowed to a trickle, his hand graduated to her leg. The two of them, both older and supposedly wiser, began to babble in some strange language I can only assume to be baby talk. At a red light, he squeezed her leg, and she yelped in mock surprise.

If I had a chopper, he would have had to start wearing his watch on his right wrist.

I don't quite understand it myself. On one hand I think I'm quite liberal-minded, and advocate the healthy expression of love in public, but on the other, I'm keeping a tight leash on some murderous demented demon inside of me whenever I see friends make out in front of other friends.

So maybe I've double standards. (to the non-lawyers-in-training:) Sue me.

Yet Another 16th Poem

It's not easy, this reconditioning
Especially with a heart that's meandering
To force myself to live life anew
Old habits I now have to eschew

It's almost like the old me of past
Is embarking on an emotional fast
With the new me always around to say
'You now have to live life this way'

'How can I,' the old me rages
'See your emails on my webpages
And forget that when once I would be delirious
Now I must act completly oblivious?'

'Hear your voice once in a while
And be aside with joy like a blameless child
And yet have to contend with idiot acting
That it's hardly even affecting?'

'To see your pictures, your face, your smile
And feel the emotions stack and pile
Only to calmly shrug it off
And be the exact opposite of soft?'

'Knowing that when we do meet again
I'll have no choice but to refrain
From receiving you like a long-missed half
And instead walk away on a separate path'

'Perhaps again our minds would meet
But until that day so bittersweet
A hidden part of me will yearn
For the old you, too, to return

Soft Spot Number One: Lesson 1

Sometimes I feel like just sitting down and ranting. And complain my head off about all the things that aren't right around me.

But I know that it's easy to be an energy-drainer, to suck the enthusiasm, good vibes and cheer out of people by being possessed of a jaded, cynical and bitter disposition.

It's much harder, and thus a personal challenge, to be a guileless clown, so full of vibrance and goodwill that you hasten the bloom of colour around you.

Soft Spot Number One taught me this, albeit in a lesson that begs a rethink on methodology. She taught me well though, and now I hesitate (and sometimes fear) to even divulge the gentlest tinge of haze I store in the many bottles within.

So to all those people who have enquired after me, I'm doing fine, work's just been heavy. =)

Sunshine From The Past 3: A Friend Lost

It seemed completely unlikely that she and I would ever become proper friends. We differed quite vastly in terms of age, and there was hardly any common vein in our personalities, likes or dislikes, sense of humour, outlook on life. Yet, the friendship happened.

Perhaps the one thing from our friendship I cherish the most is the
human warmth that she possessed. There was a period in time when she reached out to me, at her own expense, when there was nothing in it for her at all. She invested a fair portion of her time and energy to guide me, illuminating the gloomy paths I trod with the luminousity of her experience.

We hardly communicate anymore, however. I leave her little notes on ICQ, but she doesn't reply. Work seems to consume everyone these days, it seems.

Thank goodness memories are inedible.

Sleepwalking

The worst was last year, November. I woke up from some placid vague dream with my first step into a darkened bunk, staring straight at the sleeping forms of two of my army mates.

Only that they stayed in a bunk below mine. And I had my slippers on. And my keys were in my pocket. And I didn't take the lift.

Somehow, and I can't even begin to contemplate how, I had gotten out of bed, worn my slippers, locked my own door, took my keys, navigated one level down on the stairs, went for my friends' bunk and opened the door. While asleep.

It freaked the jeebies(G)/daylights(PG)/shit(NC-16)/hell(M18)/****(R21) out of my friends, for sure.

I know they have always warned me about it. It was mild at first, perhaps just waking up at weird hours (3am?) and trying to wake my buddy up as well (quick! it's time to wake up you lazy worm!) to stranger things, like being unable to find my toothbrush at 6am (because I had already brushed and left my toothbrush in the loo... at 3am).

Things got better after November last year, but suffice to say, the last week hasn't been too good. But, please, don't worry, even though the interrupted sleep has played havoc with my clock...

The eyebags haven't affected my good looks (nor sense of humiility) at all. =)

Dropping

It's every parent's worst nightmare, you know.

One minute you're cradling your newborn, cooing at him or her, feeling the angelic little life pulsate in you arms. Your newborn might swing from quiet restive reveries to violent possessed tantrums, but you never complain. And the next, inexplicably, your grip slips, and time... slows...

I felt like that. Exactly like that.

When I dropped her, and heard the smack as her fragile frame bounced off the ground, my heart just broke. I expected her to cry, or make some sound at least, afterwards, but she didn't, and there were these sickening waves of fear that just kept surging within me. It was like... like... she was stunned, or had suffered brain damage, or something...

And seriously, who can tell if she will ever be the same? All I know is that I'll carry the guilt for a long time more to come, this eternal self-reproachfulness.

(An hour later: I think I need a hobby. After careful consideration, it's not healthy to be so attached to a handphone)

The Busiest of Weeks...

I'm still alive, I think
It's been a tremendously packed week
Time passes by in a wink
While events flash faster than illegal peeks
 
I tried my best but missed a chalet
Had an outbreak, and a couple of sleepwalks
My driving lessons I had to delay
Even with my rabbits I hardly had time to talk
 
The end is near I'm sure
It's only a month of madness more
But perhaps the only thing I fear
Is that I'm already bushed, right down to my core

Bakeries

Don't you feel like Breadtalk sometimes?

It's like how you begin with a hundred different bread designs in mind, each designed to cater to a different niche. You tell yourself, I'm going to try my best to make things a little better for people, and you pour yourself into your work, crafting each bun and puff with delicate love.

But then people come along, and are disappointed when they cannot find something they want. Andre's looking for the Chicken Skin Bun, Dex the Veggie Delight, Siao Charn the Mushroom Puff, and Limin the Bananas-Because-I'm-Limin Fluff.

And you find that you just cannot make everyone happy, and you have no choice but to steel youself, turn some people down and try to disguise the regret in your voice. You watch them say "It's Ok!" and leave, and cannot help but wonder how things might be different if only you could have found it in you to satisfy them.

Of course, it's the satisfied customers who push you on... Alex happy with the Wormy-worm-worm Swirl, Jiayun the CHIO BUn, Zhihao the I'm-Dumping-My-Friend-For-Warcraft Sandwich, Hanting the Rambo Bread.

Give and take la, give and take.

If Devils Wore Fur

Aha. Don't for a single moment be fooled by them. Rabbits? More like rabids.

My cousin abandoned her two "cutesy bunnies" a week ago at my house, citing domestic unrest due to fundamental differences that could not be resolved. She's only 10, but when she wants something she usually gets it, so my brother and I gamely took the bunnies in. After all, bunnies are low-maintenance, right?

They didn't need constant affection (unlike girlfriends), never argued back (unlike girlfriends), would let you elope with your Playstation (unlike girlfriends), and would never, ever ask you if you thought they were fat (unlike girlfriends).

To our horror, we realised the following:

They were extremely violent when provoked (like girlfriends), scratched viciously (like girlfriends), raised a stink if you ignored them for too long (like girlfriends), and became little concentrated balls of hellfury the moment you try to bathe them (like girlfriends... of the well-raised sort).

And perhaps the only reason my brother and I have not let them loose in a neighbourhood full of gaming dogs, is that we're trying to teach my cousin a lesson. Heck, I think it's a lesson on responsibility we're trying to impart, but whatever the case is, the school term had better end soon.

New HBOTW!!

And this week it goes to Chris!

For bothering to ask me out to lunch
Even when work deluges you
I'll reward you with a bunch
Of silly soppy "I LOVE YOUs"!

No change to Worm of The Week.

Drawing Inspiration

I believe that it's extremely important to be able to be continually inspired everyday, to always be struck by a sense of wonder at some new discovery, or by a deeper understanding of a previously explored portion of the known world.

It doesn't even matter what product this inspiration eventually gives rise to. If you were artistic, this inspiration could take its resting place in a poem, or perhaps a song, or even a sketch or painting. If you were more scientifically inclined, maybe a new product blueprint with tweaked-up engineering, or a new hypothesis, or the solution to some long-standing scientific puzzle.

So strive to find this inspiration for yourself, somehow, every day!

And how to find this inspiration?

"I love every second of the play. I drink it, like someone with dehydration might drink a glass of iced water. I love being made to think about something else other than my work and my marraige, and I love its wit and its seriousness, and I vow for the millionth time to nourish myself in this way on a more regular basis."

- How To Be Good, Nick Hornby

Moon Flower

Well, for me this is the one fragrance that does it. =)

You haven't revelled in Moonflower?
Elusive like a maiden too shy
Renewing as a summer's shower
Ever present like a poor man's sigh
Unforgettable as a friendship gone sour
Heart-wrenching like a newborn's cry...

Acting Stupid

I've always known my acting was passable, and in a few rare cases, even quite superb. But things are getting out of hand.

See, I've long realised that generally, people are more likely to be patient and understanding towards other people who are obviously possessed of less developed mental faculties, and who are concurrently very sincere to learn from their mistakes.

Thus, by acting completely stupid and apologetic, I'd found a way to circumvent impatience and derisive attitude from others. But it's working far too well.

With three separate driving instructors, I've acted completely retarded, and generally scraped through their lessons living on extended patience. For example, on more than one occasion I've thrown the clutch and sent the vehicle into retching fits, but soothed the instructor's frustration immediately with a "Oh no, why is the car like this? I'm holding on so tightly to the steering wheel?!?"

But it has occurred to me that no one can possibly be acting so well, for so long. So it's either that I'm doing a great job exuding the air of a goondu learning driving, or I simply look...

I cannot imagine. *sigh*

Soft Spots

Do soft spots exist? Jiayun insists they do
Do you choose to have them, or they choose you?
Do people have one? Or two? Or a few?
Are they even anything new?

And to my surprise they do exist
And even fester in interesting ways
For long periods of time they will persist
Some even to the end of days

The kind that you never acknowledge
For fear it'll make you look weak
You would sooner admit you love cabbage
Than let such information leak

They certainly make you do funny things
That normally you wouldn't do
You find that it's really quite confusing
If you disbelieve try it yourself - it's true!

Your defenses go down you get soft inside
For that someone you sacrifice readily
It's not something you can easily hide
This soft spot malady

Against all reason and cold hard logic
You give and expect nothing back
Which is why it becomes quite ironic
When your own peace of mind suffers the attack

You question yourself over and over
Why not just let it all go?
To be composed, calm, sane and sober
To be free of that much less woe?

But you find you can't even when you think you can
It's not as simple as that
Some things are simply out of your hands
Not even when your mind is set

The only conclusion that satisfies me
Is that I'd rather have some soft spots than none
Even if I might not be completely free
If I was incapable of feeling I'd truly be undone

HBOTW: MOK KAILYNN!

Never thought you would climb the ranks and make it to the esteemed position of HBOTW... notice your close friend, the Cheng one, becoming the default for WOTW... haha

But thank you very much for always reaching out! You've always been patient with me... I appreciate your tolerance for cute, hunky guys! Hiyar, the rest you know la, won't make your head bigger... and for liking rain and Eternal Sunshine, freak, you catapaulted yourself to the top! (the-Cheng-one: buck up)

(PS: Can I get promoted from toad now please?)

To You....

I thought I heard you wrong, but haha, I was just slow. There are things in life we're bounded to, like protocol and all, so below's all I've got to say to you at this point... one day, perhaps, I can actually talk to you face to face about this. =)

In many ways you mirror the moon
Late to arrive yet gone so soon
Emplaced in the night sky so high above
Too near to miss too far to love

Even if one day I could bridge the distance
I'll have neither fortune nor circumstance
For at best you'll find the time unripe, and at worst
A Neil Armstrong will have gotten there first

And so I wish you two all the best
Make it last, pass all the tests
Add clouds, stars and a little shine
This kind of opportunity's hard to find

Meow...

Tried & Tested (Prove Me Wrong)

Well, I thought I'll record all the super inspirational off-the-cuff things people say, that are pulled off only by the sheerest blend of fortune and circumstance! You can try them out for yourself, and well, see what happens. =)

1. At a friend's birthday party, wait for the candle to be blown out, then call for the waitress and say, "Miss? Can you light my fire?"

(I've only got this first one so far, but heck, it works. I tried it last night at Zhihao's birthday party at Lips!)

A Whole New World...

Argh! After close to 8 years, I've just uncovered a perfectly hidden analogy, metaphor, whatever you call it!

Have you watched Aladdin? Recall the portion where Aladdin and Jasmine soar through the night sky on a magic carpet, and they sing that particular song?

Well, they're actually singing about their shared love! Not about whatever physical world they're in, but how their love has lent a different hue altogether to the world as they know it! About how after being in love they discover things anew, and together! Freak!!

I can't believe I'm 8 years too slow!!

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Only Fools Rush Into Love?

I was watching Spiderman 2 last night (which is competing with Eternal Sunshine to be my favourite movie of the year) when it struck me just how girls (ok, and guys too) rush into things, especially relationships!

I mean, let's take a look at Mary Jane Watson. It occurred to me that she's quite the vixen herself, never bothering to sort out her own feelings before entangling herself in two seperate relationships, forcing a situation where there must be a winner and there must be a loser.

Most of all, however, I thought that the one thing she lacked the most was common sense and a lack of basic biology fundamentals. Didn't she ever consider that one day, after marrying Peter Parker and getting pregnant with his kids, she would go for an ultrasound scan only to find...

A SCAN OF A COCOON, OR EIGHT LIMBS FOR EVERY HEAD?

Good luck, Mary Jane.

(Phew! I'm back! Thanks for all the people who have reached out to me during the last horrendous week... that includes you Hunky-Luky!)