Monday, May 31, 2004

Kumar

I went for a play recently, Not Guilty by Kumar. It was a play about his life, staged to dispel the heady rumors and gossip surrounding the man. Many went for the performance expecting another stand-up comic routine, and were left feeling shamefully guilty, almost as if they had laughed at a tragedy.

The reason simply was because Kumar, that night, dropped all the facades the public usually sees. He was finally fleshed out, a cardboard cartoon character acquiring 3D imperfections, problems and woes.

He talked about a loneliness which has haunted him for years. About how money and a satisfying job was just no longer enough. About how all he really, really wanted was a family to call his own.

The most striking line? "I don't want to push the envelope, I don't want to broaden horizons, I don't want to test the boundaries; I don't want to inspire, I don't want inspiration. I'm just not interested."

What drives a man to become a shell? An automaton driven by electric cells and gears and bolts, instead of heart, emotion, soul?

Hate sounding like a lovefool, but I suspect love ain't just another emotion, it's probably a very, very important fuel.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

The Bonds We Forge

I went for a BBQ yesterday. It was with my army buddies, and it was a farewell for Shaun who's leaving to train in the US.

And I was prepared this time, for the heartache when I saw them all again. Not because I'm still traumatized from them stripping me, but because it reminded me of all the things we had gone through, about the lives we had all left behind.

I mean, I saw them there, all spinning off on tangents of their own, hurtling through life. I would never again be able to scream at them to please wash the freaking toilet, or endure the unending stores cleaning, or... just to book in and talk to each other about our weekends.

Don't you find it scary? That there's still so many years ahead, of learning to let go?

Nothing's going to stop me from watching The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (Alex, you better come back soon, or else I'm gonna catch it without you!)

To MKL : All I Have To Give You Is This..

Hey you... I'm worried about you. You're really sliding quite fast, and I hate to see that happening to you. I know it's difficult to understand your exact position, and it's not easy for you to share it with people when you think it will not help, but you've got to recognize that you can indeed help yourself!

It's true, if you wanted to reduce this world to its bare elements you would probably find people to be selfish and individualistic, and that there's hardly any meaning in remaining chaste in thought and selfless in action. But remember that all it takes is for a group of people, believing in the same ideals, the same caring world, to come together to create a haven of their own, amidst a world too finely balanced between the desire to survive and the desire to assist!

I wrote the following for myself a while back when I was having colonel (ie. more serious than major) problems of my own, and it was very easy for me to make the whole poem extremely cynical, hopeless and dismal. But I didn't, and I would like to think that the little allowance I made for myself to recover and become nice and idealistic again made a difference!

I'll like to dedicate this poem to you, KL, though I think you might have read it before. You can go ahead and retreat into yourself, just remember that when you finally recover, we'll be waiting on the outside ya?

Oh Father in heaven hear my prayer
For without your guidance I am doomed to failure
Grant me strength to see me through
All present storms and those that ensue
In this urgent time of need
Please, my little prayer you must heed

Blind my eyes to all bad memories
I won't be complete but I won't miss the cavities
I refuse the baggage, the weight
I'd rather grow slower than stagnate
For what use are ghosts of the past
When even the good memories don't last?

Remove my sensitivity!
It's more a curse than a necessity
Consideration for others holds me back
It's strength I desire, hardness I lack
No longer can I suffer for others' sake
From this self-inflicted sadness I must awake

Will you suppress my conscience?
It's a hindrance, in this world without lenience
I simply cannot move as fast as my peers
Who climb so fast without any fears
To look forward thinking only of me
The horizon's further than I can see

But...

But most of all, for my relief
Please restore my belief
Make me see that people are worth trusting
Make me see that love is worth giving
Even if I may be hurt again
Give me faith that will not wane

Amen


Be strong, but in the process don't become hard. =)

Friday, May 28, 2004

It's All In The Perspective!

So as it went, I got a chance today to watch Shrek 2 with Zhihao, Jiayun and Alex. It was going to be a perfect day, because I was enjoying teaching my lessons in camp, and I was ahead on schedule, and I would have booked out just in time for the movie.

But then I had to do last minute duty, and I ended up with 15 mins to cab down to Lido. I was cursing away from 6pm till 8pm, super sore that I was so unlucky, but when I was in the cab I realised that it probably was a good thing!

Simply because it was a great chance for me to realise that I didn't mind rushing for them, in fact I relished the race against time just to be able to meet up with them!

I guess if you know me you'll know I'm being completely sincere when I say I really do treasure them... hiyar, I'll express it better once I'm done with sleeping and it rains again (inspiration), but I guess my dad's right, the most important thing you'll ever take away from school ain't the certificates at all.

Sigh, for all the anguish you've caused by being a complete and utter worm of a friend, I'll really miss you when you're overseas Silan! Come back soon ya. (That goes for you too Ivan Kaneshiro Huang)

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Sunshine From The Past 2 : A Whole New World

At primary school we sat in clusters.

At night I would dream, dream of being on a stage, and this friend and I would be singing the theme from Aladdin. Singing under a jewelled nightsky, out to the inky darkness, no one else around for miles.

In our clusters we would chatter the whole day, doodling, playing, frustrating the teachers.

And I would wish so much that somehow I would be able to sing with my friend, this song that we both liked so much but never had the chance to croon together. That dreams would manifest, if only for a short short while...

And then one day as I was humming the song, I heard someone else join in, and without looking up I knew it was her. At the end of the period my work was undone, but my little wish thoroughly fulfilled.

Cynics often dismiss miracles as pure twists of fate, mere coincidences. I know they're wrong.

Sunshine From The Past 1 : Marion

I remember her, Marion. My age, petite, pony-tailed, eloquent, charming, exquisite.

I walked with her in the park once, with our parents trailing behind. I reached out and held her hand, and she gripped back, and we must have been the picture of innocence. Two kids, barely 9, unfettered with adult concerns, untouched by time.

"Teng! You must ask her before you hold her hand!"

I let go, turned to her, completely unashamed, took a little bow, "Miss Marion, may I please hold your hand?"

A little bob of the head, a child's rendition of a curtsey, "Yes, you may."

And so we held hands again, and walked on in that seemingly endless park.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Quarrelling

I saw an old couple quarrel today.

Both at least 50, with over 20 years of marraige. But quarrelling. In a good way, though. Quarrelling to point out loopholes, blindspots, to give each other a healthier, more complete view of the whole situation.

So quarrelling can be good, as long as it does not turn into arguing. How many couples have the strength to quarrel constructively? How many people suffer in silence, always giving in, never pointing out where their partners have gone wrong? How long do people take to grow up and become stronger?

Will I ever quarrel with you?

I hope I eventually do.

Lunch with Chris Lim!!

In a day where everything went so rarely well, quite possibly the brightest spark was my afternoon lunch break where I got to meet up with Chris Lim after sooooo long!

Limin's right... although he might have an air of comtemplation about him now, he's still as charming as ever. My time with him was short, but it was a completely enjoyable one... we chatted about tons of stuff, caught up lots too, and I'm glad to know I can have lunch with him more often in the future.

It got me thinking though... about social circles. Where's the balance between meeting new people and investing energy in current relationships? An article in Life in the Straits Times talked about blind dates and how people nowadays need them more than before, because so many people don't have time to find new friends.

Life really should come with a save and load option. But then again. I doubt we would appreciate the risks and excitement that's intertwined with life.

To get all these heavy stuff out of your mind though, just give Chris a call! He'll cheer you up! (To Chris, do one more good thing for me and you'll be Human Being of The Week!)

Monday, May 24, 2004

Rain...

I've never really met another who loves rain so much.

I mean, most people I know abhor it. Hate it for ruining their outdoor plans, for keeping them indoors, for making them wet, for dampening their moods...

And the people who love it? For reasons that are vastly different from mine... love it for letting them sleep in, love it for cancelling army training, love it for making the weather more tolerable...

I love it for calming and inspiring me!

Everytime it rains I just stop what I'm doing, and somehow, as I look at the way each drop falls so purposefully, I feel this weird stirring inside... all my worries, all my tiredness washes away, and this sense of well being just comes and takes root at my core. I'll stand rooted, for a few seconds, and I'll teem with energy again, wherever I am, whatever I am doing...

Rain makes time go slow, even slower than first kisses do.

Rain makes me want to write, to struggle in vain to convey the beauty of it all with words.

Rain... renews me.

Second 16th Poem

Was going to write a cute nonsensical poem about snails, but found this other one written sooo very long ago... so here it is. A few of you might find it familiar!

I named this one "You Silly Boy"

You silly boy
Has anything ever waited for you?
Does time flow slower, thinking to give you a miss,
While the flowers never wilt
And the sparkle in young girls' eyes never dull,
Whilst young acorns refuse to burst from their coats...

Everything moves on
Oak trees die while young ones feed upon them
The sun pursues the moon, endlessly, tirelessly,
Clouds dissipate, come together, and dissipate once more
Blink and you might not even see me again
You silly boy.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

My Sunday Shooting Star

What are the chances that you will ever read this? Or that you'll even know I'm writing this to you?

I remember meeting you, that humid Sunday, on the shuttle bus to dance class. And I remember exactly how I sat behind you, thinking of whether to go up and say hi, mulling over this particular little crossroads in life... and I was glad I did!

You haven't stopped amazing me since. Everytime you dance, you exude such radiance that I'm surprised no one else notices? And like that line from Prince and Me, it's been a freaking long time since I've met a girl who so intimidates me. Even though I've always held that life is too short for hesitation, that opportunities lost will never return, I just can't seem to stop my spheres from shrinking everytime I'm about to ask you for your number!

I'll get your number eventually. =)

First 16th Poem

Well, here's the first of my 16th poems. Haha, as you can guess, they are all written on the 16th of each month... and well, I hope one day I run out of inspiration to write any more 16th poems. When that happens, well, it would only mean there's no more need for such a release!

My first one... I'll call it "Set Me Free"

Fevered dreams and endless nights
Silent screams and fitful plights
All conspire to subdue me

In light I run, in darkness I hide
Before I'm undone, preserve my pride
Will you just let me be?

Peaceful sleep and restful days
On reality a firm grip, my pain to defray
Is all I ask for

To move on bravely and unafraid
To not be weary and not be waylaid
To be free once more

Choosing your own path

I went to this friend's website, and was blown away by what a fantastic person she is. She does art, she does music, she's intelligent, she's sociable, she dances like quicksilver... and because I know her in real life, I know that she's mentioned more than once that she feels that she's underachieving and that she wants to be much more.

I respect her reflection... as another friend said, it's tough when you're competing with yourself?

But life's a bit like that I guess. There's just too much to do in life, to ever do it all at one shot! You can be a freaking good piano player, but you'll probably miss out on the time to train in well, blogging dumb crap (sigh) right?

So to the two friends who told me today that you wish you were more than what you are... it's true, you both can be better people, but you two have skills and a uniqueness other people cannot ever hope to emulate! You are really special in your own way, recognize your strengths, appreciate them!

Even if all you can do is tell lame jokes, your friends will be there to appreciate them. I testify to this, personally! Haha.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Goodbye 7 SIB DML Course

My most recent course ended today, and as I bid my men farewell, heartstrings I thought I had severed so long ago were tugged all over again...

Do you have any idea how wonderful the feeling is when a platoon of men are entrusted to you, and you and the men bond together through all sorts of training? When the men come to you with their problems, and then when you help solve them they come to thank you? When everyone bitches about when the course will end, and then when it does, somehow mourn the passing of a wonderful time never to return?

I'm so torn sometimes... the closer I get to them the more fulfilling the relationship I share with them, but also more intense the pain when they leave... it's like how one day after they leave, the camp somehow seems so empty? And the corridors echo with the sounds of their boots, of their laughter, of their pleas for mercy as you punish them...

For those of you shitheads out there who still want officership for the money, I'm not taking some moral highground here, but if you have no interest in serving the country, at least be there for your men, because you're in a position to make their lives that much better. And they trust you will do it!

It never really is easy letting go, in life, is it?

Thursday, May 20, 2004

The Couple at the Canteen!

I've decided I won't detail too much of my routine army life in these pages! Instead, I'm going to start pointing out all the little miracles that go on in camp, otherwise I'll litter my blog with "I woke up late today" and "I screwed up... again"

So... today I'll tell you about this couple at my camp's canteen!

Before you get any funny ideas... they're actually the two shopkeepers at this little coffeeshop at my canteen. What was really nice was this... I was queueing up for food today, and then in front of me was this large group of people who were trying to order food all at the same time. So of course there was a certain amount of confusion, and the wife collected the wrong amount of money, and when someone pointed out her mistake, she said "Gosh!" and stood there stunned for a while.

You see, I was bracing myself, because tension was high with all the activity, and when the husband glared at his wife and there was this general envelope of silence, I was sooooo very sure a mini squabble would ensue where the husband would say something mean to his wife in front of everyone, and inflict unintentional pain that never really would go away?

And then they laughed! Right there and then!

And it warmed my heart... while everyone didn't know what the inside joke was, the two of them just laughed and laughed and laughed... and it occurred to me that these two have weathered so very much in all their years together? That it really take a monumental stoke of fate to ever cause a serious rift between them?

If you're in a relationship now (yes u, my valuable reader), do keep my canteen couple in mind? I don't exactly know what lesson you can draw from it, but I think there's lots to learn from them?

Love will last as long as you let it live. =)

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

To the Thomson Muggers

Hey, Ivan and Alex, if you drop by, this poem is for the 2 of you!

Hello starlights of my sky,
I press you not for a reply
But this friday will we meet?
Because a parting bittersweet
Is drawing close too fast too quick
And I fear that I'll be sick
With longing, with tears, with pain
For when will we meet again?

Let's meet let's meet let's meet! =)

A Lil Tribute to Limin!!!

Well, I was fortunate enough to be able to meet up with Limin yesterday, and over dinner and a drink I was quite frankly blown away by her!

I don't usually dispense adoration so easily, so there's got to be real solid rock-hard reasons why she's currently my Human Being of the Week (Lucy Liu's been Human Being of the Week for the past few months, so Limin's gotta have substance) right? Well, I can't really pin down exactly why, but Limin, if you're reading this, be quiet as I explain!

1. She's displayed unconventional willpower in pursuing what she wants! I've met very, very few people who commit all their time and energy to the pursuit of their dreams... for me I face a constant battle all the time screening out distractions (I love and hate my playstation) and the way she has been going about achieving her ambitions... sigh... simply inspiring...

2. She's got real heart! Freak, how many people really do care nowadays? I hate for this to sound like some stale, oft-repeated Friendster testimonial, but really... she really does reach out for others, even though she says she's selfish with personal time!

3. She's found inner strength! We all have our dark times and all, and we always feel like we need someone to pull us out of crap... but you just see the way she builds herself from within, to be better able to deal with life... that attitude of saying "I may need others' help, but I'm going to do as much as I can on my own"...

Freak la Limin, I'm taking off my hat (jockey cap/helmet) to you k? Haha, this is the best I can do for you at the moment, a little tribute to you!

Live on girl.

Slow slow slow...

Hmm. What's with me and techonological advancements?

I just came back from mucking around in my friends' blogs, and realized that haha, I'm probably the last one to start a blog. At first I thought that hey, it's ok, I mean, no one's ever up to date in everything... but then I realized that it's the same for friendster, msn, icq...

The last straw came today I think, when my officer at camp commanded me to throw away the abomination that was my handphone, on account of it being an unholy relic of the past (anyone still remembers what a 3310 looks like? If you've forgotten... come find me).

Sigh, it's so hard being sentimental these days. Oh well, I'm going to find more old friends' blogs now...

My First Post!!

Hello!!! It's really nice of you to drop by! It will take me some time to believe that people will actually drop by to read my stuff though... but well, I can't think of a better way at present to keep in touch with most of you, all of you all over the world growing so super fast...

I'm going to keep this little blog constantly updated with tons of irreverant things that I gaurantee will provide an interesting read! No promises, but at least one new original lame joke per month!

And for reading thus far, I reward you with an original Combat Engineers joke...

Q. What do you call an anti-social piece of explosive?
A. An anti-personnel mine!

=)