Soccer...

It occurred to me of late that it's very difficult to integrate into mainstream male society without expressing at least a silver of interest in soccer. I thought that if one was adamant enough about personal beliefs (ie. I think soccer's dumb) I could get by. If I was right I wouldn't be writing this, now, would I?

So I set about gaining a basic understanding of soccer, to lie credibly enough to make people think I love soccer. Bah, say what you want about giving in to peer pressure and all, I prefer to think of it as broadening my horizons. =)

Thus I had the following conversation with a friend over a soccer match, and by the end of it I had gained enough knowledge to seem hip.

Me: (as the match kicks off) So, how do you know who to support?
Friend: Well, you choose a team, love it, follow it.
M: (it's Man U Vs. Arsenal... I think) Fine. I choose Sembawang United.
F: Huh? Wa? (shakes head) Man, no, that aint hip.
M: Whatever. So it's more important to choose a cool team?
F: Not... exactly.
M: But basically yes right? So that it's more exciting when the big boys clash?
F: ... something like that.
M: (pause) So then, when do we cheer?
F: (weird look) When your team's winning, man.
M: But how do you tell when your team's winning?
F: Err... the ball's closer to the other team's goalpost?
M: Ok, but wouldn't it be easier to watch other people, and just cheer when they do?
F: (sighs) Yes, I guess you can.
M: (after careful observation) Besides cheering we curse the referee too right?
F: (distracted) Huh? No, we don't do it on purpose, but ya, mostly...
M: Hmm. (another pause) Why don't they have multi-ball? Like, spice it up?
F: What? (disgusted look) Man,that's dumb. Soccer's about skill man.
M: (just as Man U scores) So I cheer now?
F: What the hell? Did you see that? That's a foul!
M: Hmm. I'm sure that although instant replays and experienced referees on the ground couldn't perceive that foul, you could, by being a million miles away and judging from a lousy live feed.
F: Yeah man, Man U SUCKS!!!
Another friend: Yeah, go ARSENAL!!!
M: So why do you get so happy when your team wins? You had no part at all in their victory, but you cheer as if you helped them when they don't even know you exist. They earn tons off your back, and furthermore you let your own emotional cycles be ruled so completely by them?
F: Man U sucks!
AF: Arsenal rules!! Woo hoo!
M: Thank you for your time.

Sigh.