Karaoke 3: Guidelines

I have done it. After sitting through yet another karaoke session today, I have determined the elusive exact social composition of a successful karaoke party.

50% Enthusiasts - Clearly, you need as many enthusiasts as possible. These are the people who are not going to be shy about belting out their favourite songs, and who basically queue up every single song three times over on the system. Basically, the backbone of the party.

20% Singers - A karaoke session subsisting purely on well-meaning enthusiasm, without the occasional dash of talent, will drive people to turn to an ascetic solitary life of prayer afterwards.

Therefore, always include a few trained or gifted singers to inspire and to entertain.

20% Reserved Ones - These are the people who will patiently, gracefully wait their turn. They serve as the obligatory bunch who need goading from the Enthusiasts before they pull off a One Hit Wonder.

Why have this group when the Enthusiasts suffice? See, once they cave in to social pressure, a general sense of accomplishment and brotherhood will come to exist amongst the rest, thus improving the mood of the party.

10% Clowns - No party is complete without these people. They will sing in monotone, shout words instead of sing, resort to drama mama antics to distract from their lack of singing, and basically serve to ameliorate those awkward silences.

So why is all this important?

The next time you karaoke, observe your friends carefully. Identify a certain niche or class that is missing from the above formula, then fill it - consider it your duty to help make the session a fun one.

Caution though, there are many pitfalls to avoid. If you are an Enthusiast, please keep an eye out on the mood of your fellow karaokees. Dilated pupils and frothing at the mouth are common signs that you should shut up and pass the mike on.

Singers, please do not take things so seriously. Sing for fun, damn it, it's not Singapore Idol, if you forget lyrics or sing a boo-boo please don't repeat the dang song. Or curse. Or cry.

For the Reserved Ones, be a sport, don't make the whole world beg you on their knees before you agree to croon a number. Know when to stop playing hard to get, and in the event that a rock with lichen growing on it has more talent than you, when it's your turn to sing, morph into a -

Clown. Notice the singular form of the word. No party is large enough for multiple clowns, so stop competing to see who can throw more face away. Gags are usually only funny the first 50 times, after that it's mitigating grounds for 1st degree murder, so don't try too hard too.

Ah. My first semi-exhuastive guide to having the perfect karaoke experience.