Values

As a kid you grow up thinking the whole world is brought up like you. You just assume other dads are like your dad, scolding their kids for the same things, teaching them the same values, as if there was one big leather-bound "Parents' Guide to Bringing Up Docile and Obedient Progeny" that the government issues to all new parents.

Ok wait, given the PAP that was way too believable. But you get what I mean, don't you?

That's why it's jolting every time I find out that other people have completely different views, about vitally fundamental things, from me.

To begin I must first paint a little portrait of my family. My parents may have embraced modern technology wholeheartedly, but when it comes to values, "conservative" is probably the first word to come to mind. At that, calling them conservative is like calling Lee Kuan Yew "a little strict".

The scariest part is that for all the resistance I could muster, some of their values have slowly seeped into my being. And armed to the teeth with values that I haven't fully indoctrinalized, I had bravely set off to face the world.

Getting married and having children were the twin issues that I grappled with first. This was where my beautifully constructed world of ideals and values began to unravel. You see, growing up I've always envisioned myself, near the end of my life, surrounded by little Hantings and little, er, Hantingrinas.

I mean, no one actually sat me down and told me that unless I had children life wouldn't be complete. I sort of picked it up from what I saw of other families, from the storybooks I read. It seemed as if every adult ended up getting married and having kids.

As I got older, an alternative appeared. Adults could somehow, without getting struck by lightning, have kids and then get married. Before long, adults appeared to have kids and not get married. By the time I discovered adults didn't get married or didn't have kids all the time, I wasn't fazed anymore.

The first time I heard a girl tell me she didn't want to get married or have kids, back in JC, I was shocked. The same kind of complete, mind-numbing shock your grandad would get if he caught you juggling ancestral tablets. Then, I debated with her, arguing why I thought kids and marriage were the keys to a complete life.

The debates have not stopped. Since that first girl in JC, I've engaged many a young lass in similar debates, all of whom seem to have been born without a biological clock. Grudgingly, I've had to concede that their views are logical and respectable too, that at the end of the day it's all simply a personal choice.

Another way of life that took a real flogging, revolved around... Sex. I can't help it if I blush as I type the word, and I know that in the long history of this blog not once have I dared to broach the subject, but no time is more appropriate than now to evaluate how my family tackled sex education.

I mentioned my parents being conservative earlier. Don't get me wrong, my parents aren't fuddy-duddies so steeped in the past that they try to marry you off when you're barely a month old. They are just more conservative than others their age.

Let's just say that the fastest way to stop conversation at dinner isn't by jumping onto the table and peeing into the soup, or by stabbing yourself repeatedly with a fork whilst shouting 'Deliver me unto you oh Dark Prince'.

The simplest way is just to shout, in a droningly piercing voice, "SEXXXXXXXXXXX". Or, alternatively, in an irritatingly chirpy tone, "Sex sex sex sex sex SexSex SEXSEXSEX".

(I disclaim any responsibility for any psychiatric harm you may cause to your parents using any one of the above methods)

I remember vaguely being told some things when I was around 12. Actually, what I remember clearly is my dad clearing his throat, then starting to talk to me in this strangely antiseptic voice before my mum would drag him aside for a lengthy, hushed discussion. Normal conversation would resume, and if you weren't sharp, you wouldn't have noticed anything at all.

And that's why, when I found out an army friend watches pornographic movies with his family, as a means of sex education, I was at a loss for words. My mind just blew, no pun intended. Let's not even go into some of the, uh, more diverse views other friends have on the issue. What can I say? Different people just do things differently.

More recently, I had another pillar of my life torn down when I remarked casually to Girl X that it was strange that so many women refuse to breastfeed when it was clearly the right thing to do. I was flabbergasted when she disagreed with me.

Me: What do you mean, you don't want to breastfeed?
Girl X: I mean, modern infant formula is scientifically proven to be more nutritious and beneficial than the natural alternative.
Me: That's hogswash! Even so, what about all the other advantages, like bonding with your kid?
Girl X: Ewww. That's so gross.
Me: Huh? What do you mean so gross?
Girl X: I mean, do we look like cows to you? Eww.
Me: ...... WHAT ARE YOUR GOD-GIVEN BREASTS FOR?!?
Girl X: Eww. Given a choice, I wouldn't want them. Do you want them?

(At which point my brain shut down and she won the debate. I blame it on the sneaky way she phrased her sentence)

At an age where you begin to reason almost as well as your parents can, you suddenly realise that it's up to you and you alone, to struggle through debates of all kinds, to arrive at answers that no one can say is right or wrong.

That many of the values you hold are unchallenged, merely passed down from your parents or friends, and that before you critically assess them, there's no way you will ever feel strongly enough to fight for or defend something you believe in.

Socrates words' ring true, that "the unexamined life is not worth living for man".

Just be kind. If you want to throw some stunner at me, just because you like to see the way I explode into some apoplectic fit defending some cherished value of mine, do it gently and do it slowly.