Presents

Spotlight, the Australian chain of stores selling art and craft materials for every occasion, is frequently overwhelmingly populated by females. There's cloth of all varieties, sewing equipment, decorative items, costume jewellery... it's almost a rite of passage for secondary school girls to make a pilgrimage here.

Male minds spin fast, and if by now you are thinking, hey, this is the perfect place to hang out and watch girls, you're generally right. Yet, as I have discovered recently, the people most worth watching in Spotlight, are the guys.

It's a fundamental law of nature that there are only two varieties of guys you can spot shopping. One is the enslaved male, who despite his nonchalence is attached to his girlfriend by an invisible leash. The younger, fresher boyfriends still comment on every item they're invited to evaluate, whereas the older, jaded ones just trail behind, blank-faced and drooling.

The other variety, and the one of interest here, is the guy who's out shopping for a gift. You recognize them by the perpetual state of frustration and anxiety they are in - it's the deadline hounding them. The ones who didn't procrastinate, and planned way ahead, have more time of course... give or take 2 days before the birthday or anniversary.

(I do not deny that there's a variety of males who shop for themselves. However, you usually can't spot them in public, because they move way too fast. Such males are akin to homing missiles, and after the purchase, they do not, ever, think about whether the next shop would have sold it for less)

You see, Spotlight usually smells pleasant. There's a light floral scent in the air, reinforced by the many different perfumes wafting in from their female hosts. But especially around Christmas, the season of giving, there's a sharp, primal stink of male anxiety and worry. The following conversation I overheard sums it all up.

Male A: Quick, what can I get her from here.
Male B: What did you get her last year?
A: A necklace. I can't possibly buy her something again, it's impersonal.
B: Hmm... maybe you could make her something.
A: ... what do you think I am doing here?
B: Err... you could make her a cross stitch.
A: Siao ah. I can't sew.
B: Or how about decorating a jewellery box.
A: Siao ah. I can't paint.
B: How much more time you have.
A: Until tomorrow.
B: Die.
A: Die.

And I don't blame them. As males slowly become more sensitive, they realise that they can't keep buying presents off the rack for their girlfriends. Sooner or later, there's this implicit understanding that a personalized, self-crafted present has to come along.

The thing is, guys are guys and girl are girls because they are different. Let's face it, not everyone is equally talented in the arts. You can't flog a dead horse, and you just can't teach some guys how to paint a jewellery box.

I admit quite openly that I am a doofus at personalizing presents. It's not that I'm not good with my hands, hur hur, but just that there's this entire portion of my brain that's not functioning as it should. In fact, I once dragged a female friend down to Spotlight with me - my Cultural Arts Attache.

Me: Ok, what if I want to get her something to decorate her room with?
Attache: What colour is her room?
Me: Err... blue? I think? So what, I should get something blue too?
Attache: No, you can't. You need something to offset the colour, not complement it, otherwise it's not striking. Not pastel, but not a base colour too. Look for a shade that stands out, but not one that clashes with her room's theme. Are you going for a matt look or a metallic, glossy look? And you want a splash of colours on it too, not just... Hanting?
Me: Hurh?
Attache: (sighs) What did I just say?
Me: Err... pastel? Matt? Not blue?

In fact, if you think about it carefully, Spotlight doesn't really sell crafting materials. It sells hope. Guys see the paints and the decorations placed side by side, and a most warming and lovely present blossoms in their mind. They then buy the stuff home, fiddle around for a few days, chuck the whole lot down the chute, and go back out to buy a necklace.

As a public service Spotlight should have stringent criteria for guys wishing to enter. They could have a little booth at the entrance, where there's crayons and paper, and you're supposed to draw a picture of your family members. You then show your drawing to a six-year old female Tester, and if she laughs, you can't go in, and for your own good too.

Of course, not everyone is as uptight about presents as you think. Whilst shopping yesterday this salesgirl started talking to me (because charm is not something you can switch on and off), opening the conversation with the classic "You look familiar, have I seen you somewhere?". Yes, it can also mean that my face is as common as dirt, but I choose to think it was a conversation starter.

One thing led to another, and soon we were talking about how difficult it was to get suitable presents. When I complained that it was impossible to fathom the female mind, she laughed and said that from a female perspective, all my girlfriend probably wanted was me, wrapped up with a bow around my neck.

Yeah right. It would be suicidal to try that - my girlfriend would not even bother unwrapping me before returning me to the store. She wouldn't even ask for a refund. =(

Seriously though, as Christmas looms, maybe it's a good time for people to sit down and re-evaluate just what giving presents entails.

I personally think that it's not so much of whether you made it yourself, or whether it cost a lot, but rather, how much effort and thought went into it. And even if the ultimate result was still a present available commonly, but you knew that your friend went through 18 kinds of Hell to decide upon it, appreciate it.

Top on my Christmas wishlist is actually a nice, long Christmas card, because in many ways writing a meaningful card is so much harder than buying a present. Sometimes you don't even need a present - something as simple as company is touching enough.

It's going to be a magical season. Treasure your friends and loved ones, and jealousy guard those who mean something to you. And in case I don't manage to blog again in time, Merry Christmas.

Santa's coming!