Caution

Step lightly, step lightly, wherever you go
Or you'll step on things you'll rather not know
I've stepped on beetles and roaches and snails before
The mess it creates makes for a most tedious chore
Not to mention the horror and disgust
When under your foot there oozes blood, guts and pus

Cleaning up is no fun but in this you must persist
For it's no point asking your parents to assist
Just try reminding them you're the precious son they bore
They'll look at you and ask, "What else did I raise you for?"
So step lightly, step lightly, wherever you go
A little caution would spare you much woe

Total Defence

The doorbell rang. And rang again.

To be frank I already wasn't in a fantastic mood. I was in the midst of negotiating a tricky peace treaty with one of the more dangerous elements of the Pimple Freedom Forces currently rebelling against my flawless skin, and things weren't going too well. And this was after I spent two frustrated hours trying to understand my work. And after I woke up feeling frazzled and grumpy.

This unwelcome distraction had better be good. A PS3 delivery I would appreciate, Lucy Liu I would tolerate... anything else I would desecrate.

And there he was, this man all dressed in white, expectantly standing outside my gate, clipboard in hand, nervous smile on face. He had the words "insurance salesman" or "credit card surveyor" literally stamped on his forehead.

"Hee hee", hee-heeed my inner devil, "speak of the god! I've not seen a more puurrfect outlet for pent up frustration than this in a long time! Hee hee, hee hee."

Him: Hello sir! Good morning! Do you have a few minutes to spare? I'm here to do a quick survey!
Me: I'm sorry, I'm busy breastfeeding my kid.

Short silence. Oh, but this was a persistent one.

H: Er... sir, please, a minute! I'm Jason, and I have a free souvenir for you if you'll help me with this survey! See, I have this wonderful torchlight pen for you!
M: A torchlight pen? All the better to see with when I stick it up yo...

Then I stopped, halting dead in my tracks. My eyes had finally registered the little blue and red "PAP" logo printed on the top right of his license card which he wore around his neck. Suddenly, all the little clues added up - the white attire, the prim and proper tone, the earnest and friendly attitude.

This wasn't a simple survey after all. This was a Government Survey. By a PAP Man.

(Upon reflection later I realized my brain had intuitively skipped a number of logical reasoning steps.

If you have a man-in-white, prim and proper, earnest and friendly, you've either got a PAP Man or a Doctor. One's good at shaking hands with you, the other's good at sticking all sorts of sharp painful things in you in the name of making you better.

Since Doctors would rather shake your hand in the comfort of their clinics, this had to be a PAP Man.)

M: (sweating just a little) Erm, sorry, survey? Survey, you were saying? Yes, yes of course I would like to help. Yes. Anything at all.
H (now Jason): Oh, that's great! I'm doing a survey on Total Defence Preparedness, and I have to gauge just how ready you and your family is in the event of an emergency!
M: Don't drag my family into this! This survey doesn't involve them!

It wasn't my fault. I had just spent the morning reading all about Public Law in the Singaporean context.

J: Ohhhkay. Anyway, I'm going to play you this little tape recording of Public Alarm Sirens, and you've to tell me what they signify, ok? They're three of them, so... here I go!
Tape Recorder: *Booopeeebooopee* pause *Beeeouubeeouubeeeouu* pause *Hmmmmmmpeeeeeehmmmmpeeeeee*

Of course, at this point I was thinking of all those times I heard the explanations for the different sirens. Over the radio, over the MRT announcement system, over TV, but not once did the information stick. Privately, I just labelled them (in order of increasing urgency, in my opinion) as "Buy Insurance Soon!", "OK We're In Trouble!", and "That's It We're Screwed!".

M: Well... I don't think I know... I know one of them means we've got to, er, stay indoors or something...
J: Oh no, that's not good at all! Here, take this card. It'll provide a reference for the meanings behind the various sirens! If you hear them in the future and you're confused, just check it!

And then he scribbled something on that infernal clipboard of his. Oh lord, only 22 and I was being marked.

J: Ok, next question! Do you have a working flashlight at home?
M: Oh, oh yes! Yes, in fact I do! It really works! I can show it to you!
J: Very goooood Mr. Leong... you're Mr. Leong, right? No, there's no need to show it to me. Ok, next... Oh! Almost forgot. Do you have spare batteries for the flashlight?
M: .... no.

Again, the infernal scribbling on his clipboard.

J: Not to worry, not to worry. Just ensure you keep enough at home in case of a prolonged blackout! Ok, do you have a complete medical kit at home?

(Ah, to lie or not to lie. This requires a bit of explanation. 5 years ago, my dad proudly came home with a brand new medical kit. At last, he proclaimed, the Leongs shall have a proper first aid kit in their own home!

We gathered around that holy box, and ooohed and ahhed as he displayed each individual item for us to see, as if he were a travelling magician with his bag of tricks. There was everything in that kit... iodine, plasters, gauze in three sizes, medical tape... a full-body stretcher, birth control pills, a little pacemaker, 2 kidneys and a lung. Seriously, the box wanted for nothing.

Alas, we had been given a fish, but not taught how to fish. Over the months we used the kit, but no one replenished the supplies - it quickly rotted and fell from grace, as a beautiful angel would fall to become Paris Hilton. It's true, we still had a medical kit, but its contents were so long past expiry that it could now only be used to put down horses or outperform mustard gas.)

M: We have a medical kit, but it's not in very good shape...
J: That simply won't do! First aid has been shown to help increase your survivability (in the event of an accident) by over 50%! Never mind, you can purchase a fully equipped one at your nearest CC anytime!

Scribble scribble, scribble scribble. Oh look, there goes my future! Yay, how fun.

J: Well, that's all I have for you today Mr. Leong! Here's your free pen! Thank you for your participation, and remember, Total Defence is the key to protecting our nation!

Pftt! as he disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. I was left standing in the hot sun, a pen, a Sirens Reference Card, a pamphlet in my hands. I trudged back into my house slowly, but things would never be the same again.

Things would never be the same again.

Unpleasant Realities

Recently my relationship took a sharp turn for the worse.

HT: Hey, so if in 2 years I become obscenely fat, would you still want me?
LT: No. I would dump you.

There it is, the painful truth. For all the effort I spent in cultivating a lively personality, an engaging demeanour, a sensitive soul... in the end...

HT: ... so you only want me for my body... =(

My Real Life Lara Croft

* * * DISCLAIMER START * * *

The following blog entry is meant to entertain only, and is not

an accurate (well not fully) reflection of the state of mind of the author,

and is not meant to be taken out of context.

Any reference to people living or dead has hopefully

been masked sufficiently well.

* * * DISCLAIMER END * * *

What I Actually Said

A thousand girls I met today
Living, breathing personalities on their separate ways
All different, unique, distinct
Yet... barely any as special as you, I think

There was that girl of maybe ten
Wiry hair meticulously leashed by coloured bands
She bounced around the train full of energy
A living personification of a calorie
A cheerful, delightful bundle dressed in pink
Yet... not as radiant as you, I think

Or how about that wizened grandmother of four?
To whom caring for others is hardly a chore?
Carrying across the island treat-filled bags a-dozen
Just to pamper and delight her grandchildren
Rare as it is to see someone give and never take
You'll surely be as caring as her one day, I speculate

And then there was that teen who swayed,
And sashayed, causing the restraint in men's hearts to fray
She smiled just once, but when she did
It was as warming as the end of a winter most frigid
She was a porcelain doll, beauty at its most succinct
Yet... hardly as lovely as you are, I think

A thousand girls I met today
Living, breathing personalities in their own way
All different, unique, distinct
Yet... none quite like you, I think

What I Actually Thought, When I Said It

A thousand games I've wanted to play
I've never seen a more entertaining array
Oh if only I could somehow keep you at bay
Then, maybe then, my games I could play

There's God of War and FF 12 and GTA
There's fighting games from the Naruto anime
There's Max Payne and Rainbow Six and GRAW as well
Metal Gear Solid and Splinter Cell
Arghghgh I could spend forever making this list
Though I wonder how far I can get before you'll get pissed

No, please don't go and get it all wrong
I've been treasuring our relationship all along
I've never misreported my sleeping time
Just to play after I'm officially asleep - that's a crime!
Nor have I played while talking to you on the phone
Anything less than full attention for you I won't condone

I thank you, in fact, for helping me
Overcome this dreadful malady
Of spending far too much time on such trivial pursuits
When I could be elsewhere harvesting more valuable fruits
Just indulge this boyish desire of mine once in a while
Be nice and sweet and a little less hostile!

A thousand games I've wanted to play
More than enough to completely fill my days
But I don't think I will, for all that I say
To lose you just cause of silly games... now that's just gay.

What I Really, Really Actually Thought

I'm not stupid. Hahaha. Hellloooo, public blog.

=)

Long Distance

I came across this essay I wrote in JC, one that tackled the question "The institution of marriage is falling prey to modern societal developments. Comment." It's a prized component in my box of keepsakes now, mainly for the very interesting perspectives I had about relationships then. It's really not often that I get such a thorough glimpse into the way I thought in ages past.

One key argument I based my argument on, that marriages were still a viable option in today's modern world, was that it's not that difficult for couples to grow together. At that tender age of 18, I envisioned a love-filled world where enlightened couples would make it a point to grow lovingly alongside each other, to weave their experiences outside of the relationship together into a lovely tapestry of love, love, love and love.

It was an essay that could go either way. If my tutor had just quarrelled with her fiance the night before, wham, I would get a C+ and a "I really wish to see you applying your mind to more down-to-earth matters, young man!". Otherwise, it was going to be a A with a "Marry me! Now!!". Such is the polarity humans experience when it comes to the phenomenon of love.

(I got a flattering grade of B+, sans comment. Seems like Singaporean teachers know better than to get into relationships with their students... No matter how difficult it must have been for my tutor.)

See, I realized, it's not that easy to grow alongside someone after all. A couple might share the greater part of each day with each other, and yet still grow apart. I once talked to Mr. J about long distance relationships, complaining that couples in LDRs have it the worst. No matter how much time they devoted to talking on the phone or over Skype, they would slowly accumulate experience (points) individually, and grow apart (level up).

And with a twinkle of his eye and wiggle of his pec, he reminded me that physical distance is hardly the most insiduous enemy we must guard against. "It's emotional distance la, that really matters. You two might be together everyday, but that doesn't mean it isn't a long distance relationship too."

If I could rewrite my essay, I think I would still keep the point about growing together, but I would proffer additional practical ways to go about doing it. Firstly, never preclude discussions. If there's an issue, always always talk about it, no matter how unpleasant. Figure out if your differences are minor ones, or really earth-shaking country-dividing PS3-killing ones.

Second, always reserve a little bit of yourself for that special someone. What I mean to say is, give your special someone priority. Always let them be the first to hear your innermost thoughts, or give them the best minutes of attention from your scarce leisure time each day. The day you find that they no longer fill any holes in your life is the day you should rethink everything.

Well, that's about all, really. The rest boils down to effort and chemistry. But just one last word of caution - I'm not advocating that every couple out there now should fight tooth and claw to stay together. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much you want it.

Sometimes emotional chasms spring up overnight. Sometimes they've been there all along.