Total Defence

The doorbell rang. And rang again.

To be frank I already wasn't in a fantastic mood. I was in the midst of negotiating a tricky peace treaty with one of the more dangerous elements of the Pimple Freedom Forces currently rebelling against my flawless skin, and things weren't going too well. And this was after I spent two frustrated hours trying to understand my work. And after I woke up feeling frazzled and grumpy.

This unwelcome distraction had better be good. A PS3 delivery I would appreciate, Lucy Liu I would tolerate... anything else I would desecrate.

And there he was, this man all dressed in white, expectantly standing outside my gate, clipboard in hand, nervous smile on face. He had the words "insurance salesman" or "credit card surveyor" literally stamped on his forehead.

"Hee hee", hee-heeed my inner devil, "speak of the god! I've not seen a more puurrfect outlet for pent up frustration than this in a long time! Hee hee, hee hee."

Him: Hello sir! Good morning! Do you have a few minutes to spare? I'm here to do a quick survey!
Me: I'm sorry, I'm busy breastfeeding my kid.

Short silence. Oh, but this was a persistent one.

H: Er... sir, please, a minute! I'm Jason, and I have a free souvenir for you if you'll help me with this survey! See, I have this wonderful torchlight pen for you!
M: A torchlight pen? All the better to see with when I stick it up yo...

Then I stopped, halting dead in my tracks. My eyes had finally registered the little blue and red "PAP" logo printed on the top right of his license card which he wore around his neck. Suddenly, all the little clues added up - the white attire, the prim and proper tone, the earnest and friendly attitude.

This wasn't a simple survey after all. This was a Government Survey. By a PAP Man.

(Upon reflection later I realized my brain had intuitively skipped a number of logical reasoning steps.

If you have a man-in-white, prim and proper, earnest and friendly, you've either got a PAP Man or a Doctor. One's good at shaking hands with you, the other's good at sticking all sorts of sharp painful things in you in the name of making you better.

Since Doctors would rather shake your hand in the comfort of their clinics, this had to be a PAP Man.)

M: (sweating just a little) Erm, sorry, survey? Survey, you were saying? Yes, yes of course I would like to help. Yes. Anything at all.
H (now Jason): Oh, that's great! I'm doing a survey on Total Defence Preparedness, and I have to gauge just how ready you and your family is in the event of an emergency!
M: Don't drag my family into this! This survey doesn't involve them!

It wasn't my fault. I had just spent the morning reading all about Public Law in the Singaporean context.

J: Ohhhkay. Anyway, I'm going to play you this little tape recording of Public Alarm Sirens, and you've to tell me what they signify, ok? They're three of them, so... here I go!
Tape Recorder: *Booopeeebooopee* pause *Beeeouubeeouubeeeouu* pause *Hmmmmmmpeeeeeehmmmmpeeeeee*

Of course, at this point I was thinking of all those times I heard the explanations for the different sirens. Over the radio, over the MRT announcement system, over TV, but not once did the information stick. Privately, I just labelled them (in order of increasing urgency, in my opinion) as "Buy Insurance Soon!", "OK We're In Trouble!", and "That's It We're Screwed!".

M: Well... I don't think I know... I know one of them means we've got to, er, stay indoors or something...
J: Oh no, that's not good at all! Here, take this card. It'll provide a reference for the meanings behind the various sirens! If you hear them in the future and you're confused, just check it!

And then he scribbled something on that infernal clipboard of his. Oh lord, only 22 and I was being marked.

J: Ok, next question! Do you have a working flashlight at home?
M: Oh, oh yes! Yes, in fact I do! It really works! I can show it to you!
J: Very goooood Mr. Leong... you're Mr. Leong, right? No, there's no need to show it to me. Ok, next... Oh! Almost forgot. Do you have spare batteries for the flashlight?
M: .... no.

Again, the infernal scribbling on his clipboard.

J: Not to worry, not to worry. Just ensure you keep enough at home in case of a prolonged blackout! Ok, do you have a complete medical kit at home?

(Ah, to lie or not to lie. This requires a bit of explanation. 5 years ago, my dad proudly came home with a brand new medical kit. At last, he proclaimed, the Leongs shall have a proper first aid kit in their own home!

We gathered around that holy box, and ooohed and ahhed as he displayed each individual item for us to see, as if he were a travelling magician with his bag of tricks. There was everything in that kit... iodine, plasters, gauze in three sizes, medical tape... a full-body stretcher, birth control pills, a little pacemaker, 2 kidneys and a lung. Seriously, the box wanted for nothing.

Alas, we had been given a fish, but not taught how to fish. Over the months we used the kit, but no one replenished the supplies - it quickly rotted and fell from grace, as a beautiful angel would fall to become Paris Hilton. It's true, we still had a medical kit, but its contents were so long past expiry that it could now only be used to put down horses or outperform mustard gas.)

M: We have a medical kit, but it's not in very good shape...
J: That simply won't do! First aid has been shown to help increase your survivability (in the event of an accident) by over 50%! Never mind, you can purchase a fully equipped one at your nearest CC anytime!

Scribble scribble, scribble scribble. Oh look, there goes my future! Yay, how fun.

J: Well, that's all I have for you today Mr. Leong! Here's your free pen! Thank you for your participation, and remember, Total Defence is the key to protecting our nation!

Pftt! as he disappeared in a cloud of black smoke. I was left standing in the hot sun, a pen, a Sirens Reference Card, a pamphlet in my hands. I trudged back into my house slowly, but things would never be the same again.

Things would never be the same again.