Diet (Not The Government)

Warning: the following fact may shock you.

According to my mother, in the thirty odd years it took her to mature from an infant to a mother of her own... she did not go on a single slimming diet.

In fact, when I asked my mum to air her views on girls who go on diets nowadays, I realized people would pay good money just to see the look of pure horror and disbelief on her face. I might as well have just told her that I was the father of an illegitimate brood of children.

In my time, she would say, it was practically impossible to find a girl who consciously dieted. Everyone ate as much as they could get their hands on, and never worried about how much their fats were showing. Healthy mindset, healthy lifestyle.

Of course, I rushed to the photo cabinet to check out the girls from her era. An age where no girl dieted? Amazing! Was the smallest size in the clothing market equivalent to our current XL? Was every group shot taken with wide frame lens?

To my surprise, the girls from her age looked pretty much like the girls, well, now.

Simple analysis offers a host of explanations. Nutrition was not as plentiful or affordable back then, girls (people in general) take to more sedentary lifetstyles now, there's a higher value placed on looks as compared to before, girls just worry too much, the list goes on.

Of course, knowing all that doesn't help you grasp the current reality as it is. Today, through random conversations with friends, I discovered four girls who are currently on diets. Yes, although every single one of them looked perfectly healthy to me, all four were actively dieting and missing the occasional meal.

To all the girls in the world, are you worrying that you would lose potential suitors owing to your weight? That you wouldn't look good in, say, your wedding photo? All you need is a simple change in perspective.

Starve now. Order a big bowl of mee pok, with less oil, less vege, less meat, less sauces, then just suck on the wooden chopsticks for sustenance.

Get a boyfriend. If the conviction is so strong that being fat reduces your chances of getting attached, then being thin should make the guys flock. If they still don't come, then, well, starve more. Nothing destroys self-control in a guy faster than the sight of a girl who weighs less than a PSP.

Binge. Once you're attached eat to your heart's content. Love produces a hallucinogenic effect stronger than Ecstasy cut with talcum powder. At this stage in the relationship, nothing in the world would make him think you're anything less than tantalizingly desirable.

Plan. Six months before a photo shoot or The Big Day, return to The Wooden Chopsticks diet. 2 weeks before, allow for the sucking of 3 Tic Tacs a day, so that you may look svelte instead of severely malnourished. Choose a train for your wedding gown that can conceal the bag of saline for your IV drip, to give you the extra boost to say 'I Do' with conviction.

Cross the finishing line. After the last camera fires away, collapse into the arms of your beloved. He won't be able to tell exhaustion from malnourishment.

Seriously though, I agree that I shouldn't be propagating the sexist view that girls only diet to attract guys. Not every girl thinks that hitching a guy is that important after all, at the end of the day. Also, what's wrong with dieting simply to feel good and look good?

But times sure change fast.

Now, just before any girl meets her boyfriend's parents for the first time, she has to worry about how she looks, how she talks, what she talks about, how she carries herself. In fact, my mum told me some time back that she too had developed a list of criteria for any girlfriend I brought home.

Before, my great-grandmother's vetting process was far faster. She didn't care if you brought home a girlfriend who was 1.9m, or who had three arms, or who needed to shave more than you do - she just looked straight to the hips.

Big hips, pass. Small hips, fail. If you don't know why, don't ask me.

In any case I admit that it's much harder living life as a girl. Guys never have nightmares over which potential wardrobe misstep would render us social outcasts, or worry about how the rest of the guys would spit on us for putting on 0.5 kg over the holidays.

In fact, I salute any girl over the age of 18 who still has 3 approving friends - you've treaded through a minefield I never would have known to navigate. You'll go far.

Just eat more please. You wouldn't believe the physical pain we guys feel when we see you girls skip meals.