Saturday, August 29, 2015

Why Do Court Trials Take So Long?

I recently came across a forum post asking why court trials take so long. I offered this reply:


I know you’re on Reddit, but do you have a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, waifu, husbando or significant other? (I’m not suaning you, I’m just trying to make sure my analogy below is relevant. No offense ah, please ah, we all one people one nation.) OK ah, even if don’t have, just pretend have, otherwise down here my story no point.

For convenience, let’s assume you are male and got wife. Now, pay close attention – last Friday, your boss (let’s call him Lao Ban) jio you go KTV with him. You are hesitant, cause you know his KTV not clean, plus your wife will kaopeh. But he’s boss leh, what to do?

So you tell wife you going “business development”, then you and some colleagues go (Ah Ter, Ah Kow, Ah Mao all kena drag along) cause these things got more people then more fun right. Most importantly, you are cocksure you never do anything wrong at the KTV. When Lao Ban order girl for you, you say don’t want, no thanks, tomorrow going temple. When a girl nevertheless come to sit with you and say “let’s pretend I’m a stockbroker… you want to see my assets?” you awkward awkward smile and say sorry paiseh not tonight haha market all crash also.

That night, when you go home, you are damn bloody sure you never do anything wrong. So you go to sleep with clear conscience, happy that wife will never find out and you can put this behind you.

HONG GAN. Next morning come, you wake up to find your wife angry liao. Why leh? Cause you la, your receipt never clear from pocket, she find out you went to lapsup KTV and even paid for “5 girls”. In one short hour, your wife kill your dog, throw your PS4, call all your friends and relatives, then now crying in the hall asking for divorce cause she “not as good as those young things”. She even refuse to see your Viscosity Test (note: if you haven’t kena this test before, be thankful).

Then you look to sky and cry, Lao Tian ah, why no justice, why no due process? If you can hear me, Jade Emperor / Guan Yin / God / Allah / Flying Spaghetti Monster, why don’t come down and help me??

BOOM – the heavens part, and Lao Lee come down. Young one, he says, come, let’s instill rule of law and let natural justice take its course. With a snap of his fingers, truth, justice and mercy flow forth and immediately the following takes place:

1. Before your wife chu power, she calmly and meticulously asks you questions about last night. She then goes on to do her own fact-checking – calling KTV la, calling your Lao Ban, calling your friends. She then looks at all the evidence and decides, ok, this bastard is guilty. Your wife here, she is the CAD.

2. Your wife’s best friend, Mimi, then comes over to your house to whack you one good one. Mimi is suited for this, cause she’s legally experienced and very bitchy. Both your parents and parents-in-law all come to see show and decide if you guilty, cause they are impartial, wise, and also at home got nothing to do cause you never call them for long time. Mimi is the AGC, and the parents / parents-in-law are the Judges in the Court.

3. You scared mah, hum mah, so you ask your brother come defend you and speak on your behalf. Your brother also go law school before, just that now he no job cause gahmen let 10 million lawyers join each year. Your brother is your lawyer.

4. All relevant witnesses now also have to get their own representatives to speak, cause now serious stuff leh, must have best lawyer to save them. This not only includes your colleagues and Lao Ban, but also the KTV girls, the waiters at the KTV, the credit card company people who processed your payment, etc etc. A lot of people for one KTV leh.

5. But people also not free all the time. While your Lao Ban is explaining what happened to the Court, all the other witnesses waiting outside your house also got their own things to do. You ever got organise party for more than 10 people before? Had experience trying to deconflict multiple schedules before? This is like that lor, x10. And imagine if every time one witness or his lawyer not free, then the whole trial cannot continue, cause everyone must be there same time. Siao boh.

6. Then after everyone all tell their story, your Judges look at the clock and say, wah lau we have been here for 1 year already lor. Some stories we have forgotten by now, some stories so interrupted that we have to go read transcript to have whole picture. Judges also human mah, so they also need time to review all the evidence.

In summary, by the time your Judges have heard from each of the KTV girls, your colleagues, your Lao Ban, seen all the documentary evidence, reviewed CCTV footage, heard your own evidence, evaluated how honest you were, then decided on whether it was you or your didi who had more fun at the KTV last night, it’s really been a couple of years already.

But at least your dog no die, your PS4 still here, right?

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