Love, is like a plant.
You nurture it daily, with nutrients that it hungers for. Eventually, depending on the effort that you've put into it, it blooms, blossoms, bears fruit.
People don't dwell much upon it, but Hate, the twin that lurks in Love's shadow, is also like a plant.
You also have to nurture it daily, lest it withers away. Again, eventually, depending on the effort invested, it bears fruit too. The best cared-for plants yield the most succulent of fruits.
I've been thinking about it a lot, especially after Spiderman forgave the Sandman in his recent movie outing. It made a lot of sense then - why labor daily to feed venom (hurhur no pun intended) to this gnarly twisted plant that is Hate, when its fruits are bitter and vile?
Therefore, logically, there seems to be no reason for us to Hate anything. For Hate corrupts us, burdening us with its endless echoes of anger, chaining us to a past we do not need.
Alas, alas, nothing is as simple as it is in the movies. For while much romantic ink has been spilt to chronicle the wonders of the fruits of love, not a lot has been devoted to the fruits of Hate. Harry Potter, for example, continually espouses Love as the one defining mark of humanity.
But you may one day discover that the fruits of Hate are useful in their own way. For every single inedible blackened apple on my desk serves as a reminder of a painful lesson learnt, so that I need not convert my living quarters into a greenhouse.
Lucky Spiderman.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
The Brotherhood
It is incredibly, exquisitely difficult for boyfriends to learn to be good shopping companions. Girls, please do recognize the efforts your men put in.
To appreciate us fully, first understand that men are fundamentally different from you females when it comes to shopping. We shop like homing missiles – if our shopping trip were a movie, the tagline would read “One Man. One Item. One Hour.”
As such, we shop without distractions. We walk down Orchard Road seeing only the path ahead, only vaguely aware of people buying other things in other shops, in much the same way that career-obsessed fathers are only vaguely aware of small people growing up in the same house.
In fact, if we don’t need anything from a shop, we can walk by it a thousand times without registering its existence. Don’t believe me? Try asking your male friends to meet you at Dorothy Perkins or Miss Selfridge. Chances are, they’ll be too proud to ask for directions, and will simply wander around helplessly until they find it.
Thus, every boyfriend who has learned to be a good shopping companion, I hail as a hero. Beneath their calm exteriors lie courageous hearts, tempered by the fiery, hellish flames of Girlfriend Wrath. In fact, observe carefully enough and you’ll even discern the four hallmarks that distinguish the veterans from the rookies.
First, Imagination. You gauge this by how long the male takes to react, when the female holds out a dress and asks, “How would this look on me?” The amateurs just can’t picture it, but the veterans have a full-fledged Photoshop Studio mentally running 24/7. In 5 seconds the new dress is scanned in and overlaid over the mental Girlfriend Mannequin.
It’s not surprising when you think of it as an evolutionary reaction. “I can’t imagine you in that dress, you better go try it out” means a 15 minute trip to the dressing room, so the male human brain soon forces itself to develop Imaginative faculties. That way, the male can reply with “Ah yes you look wonderful in it”, which lengthens the male’s life by 15 minutes.
This leads us to the second hallmark, Feedback. First-time boyfriends are often accused of having a terribly limited vocabulary, which usually revolve around variants of "Nice" or "Pretty". Before long they are additionally accused of insincerity, or of simply not caring.
That's where the misconception lies. Men are muscle-bound, but that doesn't mean they don't have emotions. They do have opinions about your shopping, but usually it is only the veterans who know how to better express themselves. Not only do they give feedback, but they also know when to reassure, console, reproach, all with heart-felt sincerity.
Third, Integration With Traffic. Put it this way: walk into Mango, and any male who sticks out like a sore thumb is the amateur. He's the one standing uneasily outside the dressing room, the one awkwardly apologizing and making way for people to pass by. He probably blends in as well as a well-built man in a library. Wearing a pink tutu. With two heads.
The veterans, in contrast, are like ninjas or Traffic Policemen - you can't see them until it's too late. They know how the qi in a shop flows, and position themselves such that they are one with the environment, blending in so perfectly they become accessories to their girlfriends. Blink and you’ll even think they were shopping for themselves.
Fourth, Quality of Company. Let's face it. As men it's hard to always stay interested in shopping. You're perpetually looking at clothes you will never wear, at bags you will never use, at shoes you will never slip into. There's just no way to fake that squeal of delight when you see a dress that is perfect... for someone else.
That's why amateurs exude an air of unease, impatience after a while. The novelty has worn off, and shopping quickly becomes a chore for them. Some men perpetuate this behaviour because girls sometimes give in once they sense that their men are restless, but this is a short term solution.
As nonsensical as it sounds, shopping with your girlfriend, isn't just about shopping. Shopping's the activity, much like a movie or windsurfing or rockclimbing. The focus should be on enjoying yourself, and your girlfriend's company. The veterans use this time to share stories, exchange gossip, connect... you'll be surprised at how much fun couples can have shopping.
Well, the next time you’re out in Orchard, watch out for and observe the secret Brotherhood. These men, with varying ranks in the Order, are everywhere. They may trail behind their girlfriends, or stand next to them as dresses are selected. They may stand guard outside dressing rooms, or rush to pay for the shopping.
But wherever they are, these men pass each other with a surreptitious nod, a silent acknowledgement of the Brotherhood, the thread that binds them all. The stronger ones continually egg the flagging ones on, in an endless cycle as timeless as shopping itself.
Forward the Brotherhood!
To appreciate us fully, first understand that men are fundamentally different from you females when it comes to shopping. We shop like homing missiles – if our shopping trip were a movie, the tagline would read “One Man. One Item. One Hour.”
As such, we shop without distractions. We walk down Orchard Road seeing only the path ahead, only vaguely aware of people buying other things in other shops, in much the same way that career-obsessed fathers are only vaguely aware of small people growing up in the same house.
In fact, if we don’t need anything from a shop, we can walk by it a thousand times without registering its existence. Don’t believe me? Try asking your male friends to meet you at Dorothy Perkins or Miss Selfridge. Chances are, they’ll be too proud to ask for directions, and will simply wander around helplessly until they find it.
Thus, every boyfriend who has learned to be a good shopping companion, I hail as a hero. Beneath their calm exteriors lie courageous hearts, tempered by the fiery, hellish flames of Girlfriend Wrath. In fact, observe carefully enough and you’ll even discern the four hallmarks that distinguish the veterans from the rookies.
First, Imagination. You gauge this by how long the male takes to react, when the female holds out a dress and asks, “How would this look on me?” The amateurs just can’t picture it, but the veterans have a full-fledged Photoshop Studio mentally running 24/7. In 5 seconds the new dress is scanned in and overlaid over the mental Girlfriend Mannequin.
It’s not surprising when you think of it as an evolutionary reaction. “I can’t imagine you in that dress, you better go try it out” means a 15 minute trip to the dressing room, so the male human brain soon forces itself to develop Imaginative faculties. That way, the male can reply with “Ah yes you look wonderful in it”, which lengthens the male’s life by 15 minutes.
This leads us to the second hallmark, Feedback. First-time boyfriends are often accused of having a terribly limited vocabulary, which usually revolve around variants of "Nice" or "Pretty". Before long they are additionally accused of insincerity, or of simply not caring.
That's where the misconception lies. Men are muscle-bound, but that doesn't mean they don't have emotions. They do have opinions about your shopping, but usually it is only the veterans who know how to better express themselves. Not only do they give feedback, but they also know when to reassure, console, reproach, all with heart-felt sincerity.
Third, Integration With Traffic. Put it this way: walk into Mango, and any male who sticks out like a sore thumb is the amateur. He's the one standing uneasily outside the dressing room, the one awkwardly apologizing and making way for people to pass by. He probably blends in as well as a well-built man in a library. Wearing a pink tutu. With two heads.
The veterans, in contrast, are like ninjas or Traffic Policemen - you can't see them until it's too late. They know how the qi in a shop flows, and position themselves such that they are one with the environment, blending in so perfectly they become accessories to their girlfriends. Blink and you’ll even think they were shopping for themselves.
Fourth, Quality of Company. Let's face it. As men it's hard to always stay interested in shopping. You're perpetually looking at clothes you will never wear, at bags you will never use, at shoes you will never slip into. There's just no way to fake that squeal of delight when you see a dress that is perfect... for someone else.
That's why amateurs exude an air of unease, impatience after a while. The novelty has worn off, and shopping quickly becomes a chore for them. Some men perpetuate this behaviour because girls sometimes give in once they sense that their men are restless, but this is a short term solution.
As nonsensical as it sounds, shopping with your girlfriend, isn't just about shopping. Shopping's the activity, much like a movie or windsurfing or rockclimbing. The focus should be on enjoying yourself, and your girlfriend's company. The veterans use this time to share stories, exchange gossip, connect... you'll be surprised at how much fun couples can have shopping.
Well, the next time you’re out in Orchard, watch out for and observe the secret Brotherhood. These men, with varying ranks in the Order, are everywhere. They may trail behind their girlfriends, or stand next to them as dresses are selected. They may stand guard outside dressing rooms, or rush to pay for the shopping.
But wherever they are, these men pass each other with a surreptitious nod, a silent acknowledgement of the Brotherhood, the thread that binds them all. The stronger ones continually egg the flagging ones on, in an endless cycle as timeless as shopping itself.
Forward the Brotherhood!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Conflict Resolution
I used to believe in Hong Kong dramas. I no longer do.
Goodness knows how many lives I've lived vicariously through them. I would be an ordinary schoolboy during the day, facing down challenges that even at their largest, would amount to no more than school exams or squabbles between friends.
But come the evenings, once at 7 pm and again at 9 pm, all that would change.
I would be a suave one-armed swordsman, brushing off a dozen doting lasses while waiting years for that one chick who’s my teacher, older than me and has issues with open communication. Or a struggling firefighter, or a doctor with a heart of gold, or a professional gambler. The list goes on.
And after absorbing years of life experience through that artificial sped-up process, I thought I knew all there was to know about inter-personal relationships. In particular, about how arguments between couples could be resolved.
As it turns out, nothing I learned from the dramas could prepare me for real life. The dramas only made things worse. Take, for instance, how I tried to apply a Hong Kong Drama Lesson (HKDL) when I got into a flaming argument with an ex.
At that point, she was a seething, raging beast, a veritable PMS-ing Medusa on a bad hair day who’d just missed a Mango sale. My instincts said ‘Run’, but I swallowed and kept the faith. After all, in almost 95% of the dramas I watched, there was one magic way to defuse her.
So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hugged her.
If the dramas were to be believed, she would struggle at first, but after 10 seconds she would calm down and cry in my embrace, and we would be fine again. Well, here’s a little mental log I kept of that 10 seconds.
2 Seconds – ‘Pain. I think she’s trying to wear out her nails on my back. Shall persevere.’
4 Seconds – ‘More Pain. I smell copper in the air, must be me bleeding. Cannot give up now.’
6 Seconds – ‘She’s screaming something into my ear, but I can’t really hear what on account of the Pain. It sounds like a swear word.’
8 Seconds – ‘Anytime now! She will melt, then tend lovingly to my wounds, which I plan to shrug off as Painless. I may have to lie.’
10 Seconds – ‘Just got Kneed In The Groin. Have. To. Give. Up. Now.’
Hours later, still curled up on the floor, I conducted a post mortem to figure out what went wrong. I narrowed it down to two possibilities – either the HKDL was fundamentally flawed, or I wasn’t being affectionate enough.
Hence, the next time she got mad again, I tried kissing her. It was only after I got most of my upper lip reattached that I grudgingly conceded that maybe the HKDL was the erroneous factor.
But that didn’t stop me. One flawed HKDL didn’t mean the rest were inapplicable, right?
For example, another HKDL dictates that when female friends storm off, you must engage in pursuit, with no regards to her requests for cool-off time / space. After all, in over 95% of dramas, men who failed to give chase would suffer loss of said female friend, or would later endure hours of nagging from random supporting characters.
Or the other HKDL, where women can take up to 40 episodes to dump the bastard boyfriend, but can get tired of their ‘boring’ nice boyfriends in less than 4 episodes? The conclusion, I thought, is that you must treat your girlfriends badly every once in a while.
Well, let’s just say that after a while, I learnt that HKDLs as theories were fun to contemplate, but suicidal to implement, especially with my history of rather violent female friends. (You know, the kind who savage you after losing at board games… and not the pleasant sort of savage, either.)
The upside to all this is that I soon accumulated a list of things not to do when trying to resolve an argument.
1. Don’t go to bed angry.
2. Don’t be sarcastic / hurtful / spiteful.
3. Don’t drag up old mistakes from years ago.
4. Don’t confuse issues, instead resolve them individually.
5. Persevere, but don’t force things.
These days I amuse myself by observing how couples resolve their quarrels, and I find that the ones who are happiest in the long-run are those who never bury problems. These couples may even bicker on a regular basis, but you’ll be surprised at how strong they can be.
Nobody likes confrontations, but at the very least, couples should always feel comfortable enough with each other to confront even the trickiest of issues.
Farewell then, my HKDL-reliant days. I guess there are some things we really cannot learn from TV.
Goodness knows how many lives I've lived vicariously through them. I would be an ordinary schoolboy during the day, facing down challenges that even at their largest, would amount to no more than school exams or squabbles between friends.
But come the evenings, once at 7 pm and again at 9 pm, all that would change.
I would be a suave one-armed swordsman, brushing off a dozen doting lasses while waiting years for that one chick who’s my teacher, older than me and has issues with open communication. Or a struggling firefighter, or a doctor with a heart of gold, or a professional gambler. The list goes on.
And after absorbing years of life experience through that artificial sped-up process, I thought I knew all there was to know about inter-personal relationships. In particular, about how arguments between couples could be resolved.
As it turns out, nothing I learned from the dramas could prepare me for real life. The dramas only made things worse. Take, for instance, how I tried to apply a Hong Kong Drama Lesson (HKDL) when I got into a flaming argument with an ex.
At that point, she was a seething, raging beast, a veritable PMS-ing Medusa on a bad hair day who’d just missed a Mango sale. My instincts said ‘Run’, but I swallowed and kept the faith. After all, in almost 95% of the dramas I watched, there was one magic way to defuse her.
So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and hugged her.
If the dramas were to be believed, she would struggle at first, but after 10 seconds she would calm down and cry in my embrace, and we would be fine again. Well, here’s a little mental log I kept of that 10 seconds.
2 Seconds – ‘Pain. I think she’s trying to wear out her nails on my back. Shall persevere.’
4 Seconds – ‘More Pain. I smell copper in the air, must be me bleeding. Cannot give up now.’
6 Seconds – ‘She’s screaming something into my ear, but I can’t really hear what on account of the Pain. It sounds like a swear word.’
8 Seconds – ‘Anytime now! She will melt, then tend lovingly to my wounds, which I plan to shrug off as Painless. I may have to lie.’
10 Seconds – ‘Just got Kneed In The Groin. Have. To. Give. Up. Now.’
Hours later, still curled up on the floor, I conducted a post mortem to figure out what went wrong. I narrowed it down to two possibilities – either the HKDL was fundamentally flawed, or I wasn’t being affectionate enough.
Hence, the next time she got mad again, I tried kissing her. It was only after I got most of my upper lip reattached that I grudgingly conceded that maybe the HKDL was the erroneous factor.
But that didn’t stop me. One flawed HKDL didn’t mean the rest were inapplicable, right?
For example, another HKDL dictates that when female friends storm off, you must engage in pursuit, with no regards to her requests for cool-off time / space. After all, in over 95% of dramas, men who failed to give chase would suffer loss of said female friend, or would later endure hours of nagging from random supporting characters.
Or the other HKDL, where women can take up to 40 episodes to dump the bastard boyfriend, but can get tired of their ‘boring’ nice boyfriends in less than 4 episodes? The conclusion, I thought, is that you must treat your girlfriends badly every once in a while.
Well, let’s just say that after a while, I learnt that HKDLs as theories were fun to contemplate, but suicidal to implement, especially with my history of rather violent female friends. (You know, the kind who savage you after losing at board games… and not the pleasant sort of savage, either.)
The upside to all this is that I soon accumulated a list of things not to do when trying to resolve an argument.
1. Don’t go to bed angry.
2. Don’t be sarcastic / hurtful / spiteful.
3. Don’t drag up old mistakes from years ago.
4. Don’t confuse issues, instead resolve them individually.
5. Persevere, but don’t force things.
These days I amuse myself by observing how couples resolve their quarrels, and I find that the ones who are happiest in the long-run are those who never bury problems. These couples may even bicker on a regular basis, but you’ll be surprised at how strong they can be.
Nobody likes confrontations, but at the very least, couples should always feel comfortable enough with each other to confront even the trickiest of issues.
Farewell then, my HKDL-reliant days. I guess there are some things we really cannot learn from TV.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Effort
There's just something about Scrubs I like very much. Yes, it's old and passe, but still.
I think it's the way they manage to squeeze cheesy life lessons into the plots, with the effect that after watching enough of it, you definitely would come across an episode that reaches out and hammers a specific lesson home.
Tonight, it's the lesson that "Nothing that's ever worth having comes easily", delivered by Dr Bob Kelso of all people.
Yeap, it's probably just more hogwash to you. It's just "Easy come easy go" reworded, you protest, it's nothing much.
But sometimes it's the obvious things we overlook, and sometimes we are reminded of them in the queerest of ways.
I think it's the way they manage to squeeze cheesy life lessons into the plots, with the effect that after watching enough of it, you definitely would come across an episode that reaches out and hammers a specific lesson home.
Tonight, it's the lesson that "Nothing that's ever worth having comes easily", delivered by Dr Bob Kelso of all people.
Yeap, it's probably just more hogwash to you. It's just "Easy come easy go" reworded, you protest, it's nothing much.
But sometimes it's the obvious things we overlook, and sometimes we are reminded of them in the queerest of ways.
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