Criterion

My friend in primary school once rattled off a list of criteria a guy had to fulfill before he could be her boyfriend.

Though I thought, even back then, that judging eligibility by the fulfillment of a list of attributes was a silly and fundamentally wrong approach to finding love, I still made a note of her criteria in my diary that night.

Just to have an idea of what girls wanted, you know, since almost all the girls then made lists.

And the list was composed of:

1. He must love me
2. He must treat me nicely
3. He must treat my parents and Shandy (a vicious demon in the guise of a dog) nicely
4. He must love swimming (she was so fanatical about swimming, I swear sometimes she would unconsciously tilt her head to the sides to breathe)
5. He need not be the most handsome, but he must be good-looking

And strangely enough, I added a little footnote later on that diary page that went something like "Die. I can't swim well." It wasn't even as if I liked her, and I interpret this afterthought as indicative of my relative insecurity then. (Though I notice I never worried about requirement 5)

In any case, it wasn't long before the backlash against having a list of criteria for potential boyfriends occurred. Suddenly, upon surviving to Primary Six, the whole lot of us was miraculously bestowed with maturity and wisdom beyond our years.

The girls issued a press statement asserting that finding love based solely on a list of criteria was too myopic an approach and more importantly, passé. The guys proclaimed that not only were we never affected by such hogwash, but also that we never made lists of our own.

A lot of paper was hidden or thrown away that day.

The most common sermon delivered was that you couldn’t be so calculative with love, given that love was something more than just a certain combination of attributes in a person. Furthermore, rejecting someone just because he/she didn’t match up perfectly, reeked of chauvinism.

To hear a statement like that in Singapore, a country where the lines ‘We are very, very practical’ and ‘No time for Love, Singapura’ fit right into the National Anthem (and they do, try it), is very jarring indeed. It’s almost like this undiscovered tension in our society, between the practical mentalities so prevalent and the undercurrent of instinctive notions of what love ought to be.

Test it for yourself today. Meet a friend for lunch, and then suddenly announce a list of criteria you have for your potential life mate, and assert forcefully that unless a core number of criteria are fulfilled, interested parties need not apply. Instinctively, your friend is most likely to disagree with your ‘heartless’ and ‘passionless’ approach.

Against the oppressive public opinion that listing criteria was bad, people still made lists in secret. Over the years, however, I noticed that the lists generally slowly changed in character, becoming more precise, more demanding. Naturally, this is reflective of the amount of introspection people have paid to the concept of relationships.

As you probably would have realized, lists are also influenced by the personal experiences of the person. Take, for example, this list I got from a JC friend, which, should I say, was influenced somewhat by her relative desirability.

1. He must love me whole-heartedly, and in his heart there can only be me
2. He must treat me nicely, shower unexpected gifts upon me, cheer me up whenever I am grouchy, be there for me whenever I need him, and be fully telepathic so that he can read my mind without me telling him
3. He must treat my pets nicely, and also treat my friends, my relatives, my colleagues, my bosses, my business associates all with kindness, respect and fawning affection
4. He must love everything that I do. Period
5. He must be cute, and have a cute butt and sturdy legs and broad shoulders and six-packs

Yes, it had occurred to me that humanity would probably evolve an extra arm or leg before we found a male that fit her requirements.

Compare with the following list from another friend, whom I suspect has not been treated too kindly by her ex-boyfriends.

1. He must love me on his sober days
2. His looks don’t matter
3. He must treat my parents, at the very least, as functional human beings
4. He must not take out more than two insurance policies on me with evil intentions
5. He must not beat me until I lose consciousness

Don’t even get me started on the wholly materialistic lists. They irk me to no end.

My belief is that as people grow up and are increasingly empowered, so will their lists get more stringent. Yet, most ironically, get too powerful or independent, and you will find no one capable of matching up. Potentially, this is how an over-achieving, rich and beautiful single girl in her late 40s would construct a list:

1. Anything that is warm, male and moving.

Astute readers would have noticed by now that I have yet to product a single guy’s list of criterion. Contrary to public opinion, it’s not:

1. She must have nice legs
2. She must have nice (random body part)
3. She must have nice (random body part)
4. She must have nice (random body part)
5. She must love me

Guys, in case you haven’t realized, are more than just the hulking masses of muscle that lumber around. They are emotional creatures as well, and some have lists that would really surprise you with their emotional complexity, despite their rock-solid alpha male appearance (hint hint)

There might well be public disgust associated with the concept of criterion-making, but I think it best to actually do so, and to abide by your list faithfully. Through the relationships we have we slowly discover what it is that we want, that we need, what can sustain a relationship and what cannot.

You know as well as I do that when emotions come into play, logic goes out the window. I’ve seen friends, normally completely logical and rational, finding themselves attracted to people who really should be prevented from contributing to the human gene pool.

Because, really, that’s what love does. It’s a lubricant of sorts, that eases the process of people coming and staying together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a romantic at heart, but I recognize that’s the power of love. Once it kicks in your list of criterion gets a huge discount, and you’re often willing to overlook many shortcomings for the perceived overall good. Though this is good sometimes, it might not always be the case.

When love wanes or wavers, what are we left with?