Black Saturday: Part One

This particular Saturday a while back was the worst day I've had this year.

You see, Mother Nature's creations usually come with inbuilt clocks. Little squirrels busy with making homes and even littler squirrels suddenly know when to stockpile nuts. You never see traffic jams in the sky from migratory birds who rush at the last minute. Flowers bloom so precisely, people actually use floral clocks to tell time.

It therefore stands to reason that human beings have body clocks too, and that I, as a human being, should also be the proud owner of a body clock. Assuming I do have one, however, its present condition is extremely suspect.

The common belief is that our body clocks are like lions, harm to tame, unpredictable and dangerous if we place too much confidence in them. I've battled my body clock for years now, trying to achieve Body Clock Heaven, where you jerk awake in the morning at a certain time, on the dot. Suffice to say that for every time I wake up automatically at 7 am (the best time to wake up to prepare for school), I wake up 9 times at 9:42 am, 11:54 am, 10:26 am, 1:15 pm, 12:33pm, etc.

(I am also very familiar with research done into sleep, specifically how to awaken from it. The theory goes that your brain categorizes certain noises as 'Emergency' noises, or noises that indicate a danger to your safety. For ancient man these noises included the growling of predators, or hostile footsteps, whilst for me it's a certain whoosh sound, otherwise known to my brother and I as The-Sound-Mum-Makes-When-She-Inhales-To-Scream-At-Us-To-Wake-Up.

In any case, the worst feature you can find on any alarm clock is the snooze button - you'll be amazed at how quickly you're conditioned to sleep through an alarm after you abuse the snooze button repeatedly. I once glued little staples to snooze button to improve the chances of waking up on time, but woke up eventually to find my clock in little pieces on the floor. It's scary what being awoken rudely does to your memory and temper.)

In any case, it became clear to me in the past few months that my sleep cycle was completely out of whack. It happened gradually, insidiously - 1 am was the initial cut-off point for all work on weekdays, then after a particularly hectic week I breached 2 am, then after I started collapsing and sleeping in the late afternoon, 3 am. 4 am followed soon after.

I thought my young robust body could handle the strain of living three different timezones per week, but I thought wrong. Soon came the eyebags, the wrinkles and the crooked back, but what really caused me panic was when I started shedding clumps of hair for no apparant reason at all. I needed a huge swing back to a normal sleep cycle, and fast.

And this was where the first unfortunate event unfolded.

The night before I forced myself into bed at 10 pm sharp, determined to wrench my body clock back into shape. Haoyun was clued in to my plan, and would call me in the morning to ensure my plan worked. Sleep came fitfully, painfully, but when I awoke I felt a deep sense of satisfaction.

My progress report as per the wall clock in my room:

10:00 pm: Into bed!
11:00 pm: Still tossing, but getting sleepy!
06:50 am: Got my wake-up call! But it's too early for a Saturday, a bit more sleep please!
08:00 am: Woke up myself, automatically! Hooray!
08:30 am: Showered, breakfasted, off to mug!
11:00 am: Mum calling me for lunch, but it's way too early! Mug mug!
11:10 am: Mum still calling, sounding a bit pissed! But we usually eat after 1 pm! What's wrong with her?
11:25 am: WHAT THE ^@&#@* IS WRONG WITH MY CLOCK?!?!? Why is the second hand ticking but not moving?!?

It was quite hypnotic, really. I sat there for a full minute, staring at the second hand weakly attempt to climb from 6 to 12, feebly falling back a second for every two forward. Then the ugly horrible truth dawned upon me: sometime in the middle of the night, the wall clock started losing time, to the point when it was a full 2.5 hours behind the rest of the world.

I’m not the superstitious sort, but when your trusty wall clock runs out of batteries the very same night you resolve to reset your body clock, it’s a sign to desist. My sense of victory, of achievement, left me. I was a shell of a human being.

And yes, there was more to this particularly unfortunate Saturday.